ARGH

I have a run in my stockings! In all my stockings! In every pair of pantyhose I own! I haven't worn them since last winter and apparently, last winter I totally destroyed EVERY PAIR I OWN. Today was too warm for tights. Too cold to go barelegged. I went through all my remaining pairs of hose, discarded most of them and pulled on the one pair I thought would make it through the day. I was SO, SO WRONG. Listen. I don't hate pantyhose. They make it possible to wear skirts year round. But why oh why oh why do they have to be SO POORLY MADE?

Are we still pretending thongs are comfortable?

Ok, folks. While we are on the subject of women's wear, let's talk about underpants. Men basically have three choices. Boxers, briefs, and for the adventurous, boxer briefs. Sure, I know there are man things and banana hammocks, but those are outliers. Most people dismiss them as only for the weirdest or skeeviest among us.

But ladies' underwear. Here is a partial list: Briefs. Modern Briefs. Cheekies. Bikini. Thong. Boyshorts. Hiphuggers. V -Strings. Hipster. G-String. Hi-Cut. I...I am a lady, and I don't know what some of these are. Granny panties are even on the list, so how do I know if I'm accidentally buying them. And by accidentally, I mean on purpose, because no one is going to see them, and they are totally the best. What is a V-String? And why...why...WHY are we still pretending that deliberately giving ourselves wedgies by wearing thongs is anything but uncomfortable?No one wants to see your thong peeking out of your jeans, and no one needs to know that you're so worried about panty lines that you've gone with a g-string (and just what is the difference between a G-String, a V-String and a thong, exactly?). You want to know how to avoid VPL? Wear the dreaded granny panty in a size that fits you correctly, and stop wearing your pants so tight they cut off circulation. Muffin top doesn't mean you're fat, it means your pants are too small, by the way. Just a thought.

And this isn't even addressing the issue of bras. Full coverage, half coverage, demi-cups, underwire, soft cups, padded cups, minimizers, WonderBras, push-ups, strapless, racer back...ARGH! Is it any wonder that something like 75% of women are wearing the wrong bra size? Who has time to worry about size when you can't figure out what KIND of bra to wear? And let us not forget about sports bras, the best of which are so oppressive that you can't breathe, and the worst of which are basically no different that wearing an extra tank top.

And if you're worrying about who else is going to be seeing your panties? Well, as long as they are clean, and not full of holes, does it matter? Because ladies, if the guy who are sleeping with looks at your underwear and changes his mind...he probably doesn't deserve to see it anyway (and is imaginary).

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here (here being the fitting room, of course)

This weekend I am going to visit my mother and among the many other things we have planned, we are going fabric shopping. I am a novice sewer. I started with skirts, moved up to aprons, and now I have my eye on pants. Why not just buy these things, you might ask. Well, as far as skirts and aprons go, you can get way better fabric with cooler patterns when you are making your own stuff than you ever could if you were buying off the rack. As far as pants go....

Any woman can tell you that shopping for pants is like descending to the 7th circle of hell. Actually it's more like the 8th circle of hell, because by the time you've tried on five pairs of pants and none of them fit, you feel like all clothing makers are frauds and pants sizes are lies and what is the problem? I recently tried on five pairs of pants all of them from the same manufacturer and found an 18 to be too big, a 26 to be too small, and a 20 to fit right in the waist and be so big in the legs that I looked like I was wearing a diaper and you want to talk about CRANKY? THAT will make you cranky. It makes no sense. (The irony here is that they were called Right Fit pants.) If I shop in one store, I'm an entirely different size than if I shop in another store.

People chalk this up to vanity sizing. I disagree. Sure, that's an aspect of it (and a ridiculous one. Hey, if we didn't put so much emphasis on being a size two, you wouldn't have to vanity size the clothes. People be a size 12 or 14 without hating themselves. Just a thought.), but it's definitely not the be all end all. Clothing sizes are so inconsistent. Ok. You want to vanity size me? FINE! Just be consistent. Manufacturers should be held to some kind of standard size chart.

And it's not just pants, although pants are the worst. It's underwear and shirts and shoes and it's all RIDICULOUS. I now wear, in shoes, anywhere from a size 8.5 to a size 10! I understand fluctuating a half size, even a full size up. I could accept that. But where does it end? How does it go from telling the person in the shoe store "can you bring me an 8" to "bring me one of each, I have no idea what size I wear." We're making ourselves crazy. We're making people in the service industry crazy. Every time you go to buy a piece of clothing, you have to try it on, probably in three different sizes going in both directions until you find one that works. Then they have to fold and replace everything you don't buy, and sometimes I don't buy anything because I get so tired of trying on clothes that I give up. Even men's sizes don't run true anymore, and those are generally based on measurements! HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE?

All I ask for is pants that fit, and if I have, I'll make them myself. And talk about cranky? Wait til you find out how I feel about pattern instructions.

In which I am cranky about pictures on Etsy

I love Etsy. Now, you may think that that is a weak way for a blog about crankiness to begin it's NaBloPoMo journey, but you would be wrong, and your judginess is irritating me. There are many things that I love that make me cranky, including the SyFy channel and most if not all of my family.

Now, for those of you who are not familiar with Etsy (and what rock have you been under?), it is a site that allows people to post their handmade crafts, their craft supplies (love the wool from the sheep your raised yourself, you crazy hippies) and their vintage items (vintage doesn't mean magic. Vintage doesn't even mean valuable, so dial it down on the $200 price tag for your grandma's salt and pepper shakers there, Antiques Roadshow.)

I love handcrafts, and I have purchased many things off of Etsy. I also love to window shop on the site. In order to do this, I need to look at pictures. And those pictures need to be good pictures. And by good, I don't mean "artsy" or "fartsy". Don't take the pictures with the Hipstamatic app on your iPhone. Don't take them from weird angles. Don't try to sell me a scarf by not wearing a shirt (and are you Michael Stipes? Wipe that crap off your face). The clothing sellers seem to be especially bad about it. If I am buying a skirt or dress, I need to know the length of the hem  and waist size and if it will make my butt look good. I do not need to know that it looks totally awesome when you lay draped all over a couch that probably came from Ikea or Goodwill. I appreciate that you have fabulous collar bones but that's not going to convince me to pay 78 dollars for that dress (although in fairness, nothing would convince me to pay 78 dollars for that dress). 

I want to know what I am getting. I am fairly sure I'm not going to get a skinny girl, Joan Holloway or your bra. And if all I come away with about the dress is that you look great in it? I'm not sold.