Hearts and Roses

And now, a word about Valentine's Day.

I don't hate it. I am a single lady, and what I really hate? Is the idea that I should be marinating in some kind of stabby bitterness because of that.

So here are two thoughts:

1) In a world filled with negativity and flat out meanness, a holiday that celebrates love is not a bad thing.

2) Other people's happiness doesn't take anything away from me, or from you, so a holiday that celebrates people being happy together?  Doesn't make me less because I'm a person on my own.

Happy New Year!

The cold of winter sucks, but what sucks more is the unreliability of it. It's been in the fifties for three days! tomorrow it's going to be back into the twenties. I've had mad allergies for two days, my skin is so dry I could sand wood with it, and I've had to plug in the humidifier. I keep in the closet, behind the dehumidifier I use for the other three seasons. Sheesh. Winter.

Hello all, sorry I have been neglecting you all over the holidays. I have been reading lots and lots, and that's been keeping me occupied.

I have also been eating tremendous amounts of really bad for me food, which I am sure I will regret eventually, and by eventually, I  mean Monday, which is when my aerobics classes restart.

My friends, I have no real resolutions for the new year. In fact, I resolved not to make any so I could break it quickly and be done. Hope you have as much success with all of your resolutions this year!

And the Grinches Small Heart Grew Three Sizes that Day

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

Blah!

I forgot, if you can believe it, to be cranky about one other thing relating to Christmas music. Christmas songs that mock Christmas.  Really? Blah. BLAH! Blah I say!

Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime

Oh Christmas music. I love you....and hate you.

Here is the thing. Christmas music makes me cranky in two different directions. Because  I really do love Christmas music. I personally own at least 25 CDs of nothing but Christmas music. It ranges from super traditional (I'm looking at you, Bing Crosby) to the...less traditional (hello, Klezmonauts. I can't even tell you how many copies of Oy to the World we sold at the bookstore I used to work at. Crazy stuff.) and everything in between (including N'Sync and the Barenaked Ladies. I'm diverse).

Here's what I don't own. Not one single version of the Christmas Shoes. Okay? Because it sucks. IIt's not the worst Christmas song ever. It's the WORST SONG EVER. And there are some strong contenders for that title, I know. But this is a song about a little boy, whose mother is dying, and he wants to buy her shoes. So that she can look pretty for Jesus. Take a moment and think about that. So she can look pretty for Jesus. Right. But he doesn't have enough money so he asks the man in line behind him, who is narrating the song, and kind of cranky, to pay for the shoes, so his mom can LOOK PRETTY FOR JESUS. And the guy does. And then narrates that the little kid was clearly sent by God to help this man relearn the meaning of Christmas. So...that would be the little kid whose mother is dying. REALLY? REALLY?

Ok. So I know that there is Christmas music that is a condemnation of all music. But...when the Christmas Shoes comes on? I don't go forth with a wailing and gnashing of teeth and swear that I hate Christmas music. I...change the channel. Turn the volume down. Hit skip on Pandora.

So this is a double cranky post (Two! Two! Two Cranks in one!). I am cranky about terrible Christmas music! (This includes Do They Know It's Christmas, and Wonderful Christmas Time) AND I am cranky about people who rag on all Christmas music and instead of just...changing the station, sit there and crab about how awful Christmas music is (I recognize the hypocrisy of that statement on this blog, but this is kind of my schtick, people). The Christmas Shoes makes me want to punch someone. Since original singers New Song are not available for punching, I turn the song off.

So instead of complaining about Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (and if you've got a problem with Jack Frost nipping at your nose, please refer to my earlier post complaining about people who complain about the cold) turn it to a different song. I've always enjoyed the Boris Karloff version of the Grinch song, personally.

I am going to have to start blogging earlier....I'm so sleepy. Today was a busy day. I hosted a cookie exchange Christmas party, which had two unexpected guests when my nieces ended up coming over. They were supposed to be being babysat by my dad, but he and my stepmom were sick with some kind of food poisoning/stomach flu disaster so I ended up with the girls.  They behaved beautifully. You wouldn't even believe what holy terrors they can be based on their behavior tonight.

THANK GOODNESS.

One thing that totally made me cranky today? On the way back from an emergency Sprite and Pepto delivery to my dad the girls and I got stuck behind the parade...I had to get permission from the cops to cross the road in front of the parade and get back to my house.Who has a Christmas parade this far  before Christmas? If you want t call this a parade. This would have been the perfect night to commit a crime as every cop car in town was either blocking the roads for the parase or in the parade. One or the other.

All Temperatures Fahrenheit (so don't make me come over there, Canadians)

I suspect that some of you may believe me to currently be hunched over my desk with a top hat a terrible muttonchops, muttering "bah, humbug" in the most ridiculously Scrooge-esque way possible, while depriving my work study students of the extra lumps of coal they need to keep themselves warm as they toil to craft ever more elaborate bulletin board decorations. But you would be wrong! (Except the part about the work study students. I am not buying a space heater for the reference desk, and if they're cold, they can keep their coats on like the rest of us.)

In truth, I love the Christmas season! This is despite my earlier diatribe about Thanksgiving getting the shaft. Just because I love Christmas doesn't mean it needs to start on Halloween, is what I'm saying.

It is snowing loads today and looking all nice and seasonal-y and I love it. It's sticking to the grass, not the streets, and is a balmy 25 (feels like 14) degrees out. So why are people throwing up their hands in despair, with a wailing and gnashing of teeth? It's December. The high this week is going to be 46 and we ought to be glad to get it. (Please note that none of these statements will prevent me from complaining about the 105 degree weather in July. Just so we're clear, I'm aware of the hypocrisy, I just don't care.) Anyway, as far as I'm concerned it could snow a few feet and I'd be happy as a clam. Possibly happier as no one has ever produced a convincing argument for unusually high levels of happiness in clams. Which I discovered I was allergic to this year! Where's the Reverb10 category for that? (What did I make this year? The discovery that shellfish gives me hives!)

Also, I realize not everyone celebrates Christmas. I'm sorry if you feel put upon by the omnipresence of this holiday. Yes, I know Jesus was probably born in the spring. I'm aware that Christmas was placed where it was on the Roman calendar to make it easier to co-opt the holiday from people celebrating the Solstice. If you currently celebrate the Solstice, I hope your holiday is lovely. I respect other people's holidays and traditions as best I can, and I hope that those people would be willing to do the same for me. So people who feel the need to pendantically use this time to point out everything that you believe is wrong with the Judeo-Christian tradition, and that you hate the Christmas Christmas Christmas that is in the stores this time of you...please take time out to quit crapping on my holiday spirit and suck it.

Happy Holidays!

Happy Thanksgiving

What am I cranky about today? Very little. Maybe an excess of sweets has given me a headache.

But that's small potatoes compared to the many things I have going for me, which includes this blog. I've really enjoyed doing this project this month, and I want to try and keep it up next month. Trying to decide whether I'm going to keep this blog cranky or try a different theme.

So Happy Thanksgiving, count your blessings. Be cranky about the fact that the whole day was spent gearing up for Christmas shopping, and know that  tomorrow...I'll be cranky about the fact that I totally got suckered into Black Friday shopping. Lowe's is having a helluva sale, and I've got some hard to shop for men on my list.

Thanksgiving gets the shaft

It is November 2nd, and the only remnants of Halloween are the signs for half-off a variety of pumpkin and/or fang shaped candy. Of course, Halloween was basically over on October 30th because that's when Trick or Treat was. What's that? Halloween was actually Sunday? Tell it to someone who doesn't live in the Bible Belt, and move along. Naturally, this meant that when I went to the store on Sunday, the Christmas decorations were up.

This is because Thanksgiving gets the shaft. IF stores are carrying any Thanksgiving products at all, it's normally two dish towels and a slightly smushed papier mache turkey. The spell check would like you to know that's not how you spell smushed. I would like you to know that the spell check is wrong. If you have the guts to venture all the way back the craft section of your local Super Wal-Mart (smaaaaall tooooown liiiiiiiife) you might be blessed by the discovery of one type of ribbon printed with Thanksgiving is sparkly script shoved in amongst all the generic fall stuff. But wait! I see a cornucopia! That kind of counts! You just have to dig through the vast mounds of  Christmas related tomfoolery to find it! Because Thanksgiving gets the shaft.

Some people, optimists, one might call them, like to say that this means that Thanksgiving is the last non-commercial holiday and we should embrace that time with our families as a day when the pressure to buy and give and spend! is off. Those people are not paying attention. Because Thanksgiving HAS been commercialized. In fact, Thanksgiving IS a commercial. It is one big advertisement for the day after Thanksgiving, also known as "You haven't finished your Christmas shopping? Better panic! Day" when every store in the area will put things on ridiculous mark down in the hopes of convincing you to do your shopping at 5 AM and risk being run over by someone who wants that Crock Pot just a little bit more than you do. The  last time I went shopping on Black Friday my sister and I went to Toys R Us and I stood in line while she shopped. It was an excellent strategy that allowed me to entertain myself by watching a woman climb the shelves to get to a Cabbage Patch Kid (note: I cannot believe they still sell those. My nieces still have mine from when I was a kid. They have not gotten less hideous. I mean, I loved mine, but...What was with their faces?). While she was up there, people started yelling for her to throw them down dolls. Which resulted in her hanging from the shelf yelling "who wants a black baby boy?" Kind of hilarious, but not exactly in the spirit of familial bonding, as my mom was home in bed, my sister was trying to fight her way back from the art section and security was on the loud speaker saying "we can see you ma'am, please get down" because the store was so crowded they couldn't get to her.

So no, Thanksgiving is not the last uncommercialized holiday. Those of you who still aren't buying my argument should try watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, which is  a treasured moment in my family and if they'd stop showing ads for Christmas shopping, you might get to see some of the balloons and floats. After the parade is over, you can argue over whether to watch football or the dog show. I argue for the dog show, because there will be plenty of time to nap AFTER the enormous meal is over. And really, football hasn't eve started at that point, it's just two hours of pregame in which you feel vaguely sorry for the Detroit Lions and wonder who the genius was who decided that they would have to play every single Thanksgiving and pregame actually the only thing more boring than actual game except maybe the postgame in which they talk about all the things that just happened that no one was actually watching because the sheer amounts of turkey, dressing and gravy has caused us to fall asleep.

Because Thanksgiving? Gets the shaft.

Trick or Treat

So, I had intended to wait until Nov. 1 to really start this blog but I can't do it. Why? My inherent crankiness cannot be constrained, and the knowledge that I have created a place to vent it is too tempting to resist. With that said, let's talk about Trick or Treat. Like many places, my small town has decided to
move it to today, since Halloween proper is a Sunday this year.


I love Trick or Treat. I think the kids are super cute, and I live on a main street, so trust me, I see a lot of them. I also see a lot of people who have no business Trick or Treating trying to cadge some candy. Listen, does your baby have teeth? No? Then how is the kid going to eat the candy? They aren't, you are. Your kid is cute. Take them around, show them off, and buy your own damn candy.

Also, have you hit puberty? Have you begun to shave? Are you more than five feet tall and fifteen years old? If the answer to these questions is yes, why are you Trick or Treating? When I was a kid (back in the dark ages, clearly), my town had an ordinance that you couldn't Trick or Treat after age 14. We generally quit around age 12. When I was in college, we bought candy and handed it out to the kids who came around to the dorms and apartments.

Now I work at a college, and the students are telling that they're going to go Trick or Treating! This may seriously be the most ridiculous thing I've seen. And the worst part is, the totally do a crappy job on costumes. If you are too lazy to even so much as put on a costume and you knock on my door? NO CANDY FOR YOU. And if you are CLEARLY an adult, even if your costume is excellent, I'm not going to lie: you are getting the crappy candy. I am saving the Sweet Tarts and Bottle Caps for you, and no one else. Exception: The group that showed up as the entire gang from Scooby Doo last year. That took coordination and planning. You get chocolate. Everyone else? CRAPPY CANDY. Don't like it? BUY YOUR OWN CANDY AND STAY HOME!

Happy Halloween!