ACHOO

Oh, right now I think I am just so frustrated. I have been dealing with some kind of weird TMJ issue or some kind of sinus problem or SOMETHING and the doctors just can't seem to figure out what is going on. This is frustrating because I don't think this is new problems. I think this is old problems that are conspiring together to create a big thing. I feel like it has dragged on for forever for two reasons 1) is that my doctors aren't listening to me and 2) is that I get so many sinus infections people just assume that's what's wrong with me and give me antibiotics. I thought that was what was wrong with me and went along with it for awhile,but it just didn't seem quite right. I am pretty sure I have talked about this before - I feel like doctors don't really listen very well. Or at least, they listen at the beginning but then they think they've got things figured out and quit paying attetion. "oh, first line sounds like a sinus infection, I'm gonna move on now" but it isn't! And so many antibiotics, for real! I keep saying "I have sinus pain, but there is no green snot!" and all they hear is "I have sinus pain." Y'all, the green snot is KEY. Don't they know that? In other words, don't be me! Be pushy, and make them listen to you describe your snot so you can save yourself months of pain.

On Fat Acceptance and Self-Acceptance.

Tonight I am reading Bella Tuscany – the sequel to Under the Tuscan Sun. The movie, by the way, has nothing to do with the book though I enjoy them both. In Bella Tuscany, Frances Mayes and her husband (who is actually NOT a cheating dickhead) return to Bramasole, their vacation home in Tuscany. At this particular juncture, they have left Bramasole for a side trip to Sicily. 

                Much of Mayes’ books are given over to describing food in delicious detail, but one particular moment of the Sicily trip stood out to me. She had her husband stop to split a cannoli and she interrupts herself to assure us it’s ok that that they ate one because they’re going to walk it off later. 

                This stuck out to me because it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. A couple weeks ago Skinny Emmie posted a link on her twitter to this article and the article set me off on a bit of a twitter rant. The Fatshionista, aka Lesley Kinzel, a fat acceptance blogger who has a new blog coming out and the author of the article sat down to talk about fat acceptance and how the author of the article had been inspired by the Fatshionista to accept her own body.  The interview took place over breakfast, and while discussing the importance of body acceptance in general, the article’s author made sure to take time to point out that Kinzel had chosen to eat a healthy omelet and whole wheat toast. It felt like she punctuated the article by saying “well, yes, she’s fat and we have both dare to accept our bodies, but it’s ok, we’re the good fatties.” 

                How does this tie into Bella Tuscany? Because in the middle of a travelogue about the glories of Italy, Frances Mayes had to stop and justify her food choices.  A woman who is by no means fat, who had the good fortune to be portrayed onscreen by DIANE LANE – stopped and apologized for SHARING a cannoli. An article on the importance of accepting our bodies stops to make sure we know it’s ok for them to accept themselves – because they are eating “mindfully”. Why do they (and the rest of us) have to justify our food? If I eat a nice healthy omelet one night, does that give me permission to eat a slice of my own birthday cake? If I eat a candy bar do people get to judge me but if I eat a chocolate coated fiber one bar, I’m off the hook? Does Slim Fast come in cans now because we want to make sure people know we’re drinking a diet shake because heaven forbid they think we’re just drinking a shake? 

                This is not a protest against health. You SHOULD be thinking about what you put into your body. But I’ll tell you the truth, there are times when I dread going out to eat with my friends because I worry that everyone is going to judge me no matter what I order. If you order a salad, someone comments “live a little!” if you order pasta…are they thinking “way to go, fattie?” Why do I (we, I’m betting) feel so compelled to justify our right to exist in our own bodies?

                I confess to being conflicted about fat acceptance. I’m all for it on one hand. I believe that people have the right to live, to have access to good drs., to be allowed to walk down the street and to eat as they choose without fear of judgment or harassment no matter what their weight is. On the flipside…I’m not happy with my own body.  I want to be thinner – I want to be fitter, and I know they aren’t identical things…but I feel like they are. And I catch myself judging other people’s bodies and then I feel bad about it. At the same time, I look at the aforementioned Skinny Emmie and I think she’s super cute – and I also know she’s bigger than me. But I don’t find myself to be supercute.  Do I lack style? Do I lack grace? Do I judge myself poorly? Or is my problem just that I need to get a tan because I’m too pale (seriously y’all. I suspect pasty may just not photograph well.)? And why do I feel like I need to compare myself to others at all? I am trying really hard to find the balance in changing my body and accepting it.

Things that are making me cranky: a list

1) The last season of Eureka starts tonight. THE LAST ONE. Why you gotta do me like that, Syfy?

2) My back is still all janky.

3) The possibility that I know more than one person (and by know I mean might be related to) who may be literally certifiable

4) Revising an article I'm writing about a grant. I hate revisions. I haaaaate theeeeem.

5) My schedule for this week? Also janky. Inexplicably so. And getting worse. 

6) Baseball. I like baseball. I feel like I'm not very good at watching it? Like maybe I'm on the baseball shortbus because I don't really get all the statistics?

OW.

SO, life is a bit of a mess right now. Basically, my body continues to treat me like I am the enemy, which includes these crazy  muscle spasms in my back. I can't take muscle relaxants forever...I really can't take them at all, due to my boss frowning on my using the keyboard for a pillow...I''m not sure she minds the napping, but the drool is a problem. So, my dr. finally sent me to get physical therapy, and I thought I was going to go one time and they would give me some exercises to do and that would be it. But NO! It's like real physical therapy! I don't even know! So I've gone for two weeks, and today, they hit the spot. not just the little spots around. The real deal. The source. And I INSTANTLY had tears in my eyes. So ...they want me to go back tomorrow. Good stuff. And they like...made it angry. IT's like my back is the Hulk. Or Chulthu. They've awakened the sleeping beast, at any rate. So if you want to know why I'm cranky? They keep poking spots that hurt.

And you thought I was cranky BEFORE

Well, I just got back from the Drs. office, where I received my second dose of Depo Provera, the birth control shot. The next two weeks will be interesting, as after my first dose I spent that time in a state of total emotional disarray, constantly either TOTALLY HAPPY or in an absolutely irrational rage. And I realized even in the midst of that rage that it was irrational...and that only made me even more angry. Being self-aware ain't all it's cracked up to be.

But until the hormones kicked in, let's talk about the things that I am being rationally cranky about, like the fact that the doorbell at my job is broken and just takes random intervals to go off repeatedly and then stops as soon as maintenance comes to look at it. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy, based on the way he said "and do you hear the bells now?" (I'm kidding. That didn't happen. It was pretty strongly implied, but he didn't say the words.) (Gotta be honest about my crankiness, you know.) I can't decide if I think the doorbell or the maintenance guy is out to get me. Wait, this was supposed to be a rational rant. That means it's clearly maintenance that's out to get me as doorbells are inanimate objects.

Actually, I have a question about that. Doorbells move, when you push then. Does that make them animate objects? Same goes for cars, book carts and rolly chairs. Does inanimate mean that it isn't alive, or that it doesn't move? I NEED TO KNOW. Imprecise language makes me cranky. People who constantly harangue other people about grammar also make me cranky, although if you want to harass them about spelling, go with God.

That's all for now, but make sure you come back tomorrow, as I will have gotten my hair cut so will most definitely have something to be cranky about

Eating Smart

Well, a few months ago, I picked up a magazine called Clean Eating for the first time. It was interesting, good recipes, and some new ideas. I wasn't familiar with the concept of clean eating. Basically, the "diet" encourages you to eat food as close to unprocessed as you can get it. Use natural, fresh ingredients to make your meals. No need to smother the food in heavy sauces or seasonings, just use good food and prepare it well.

So I picked up the latest issue, and barely a page went by that didn't extoll the virtues of how clean eating will help you lose weight. There was even an article on a woman who got back to her pre-baby weight! HALLELUJAH!

*Sigh*

Listen. I am so so SO tired of the world equating health with thinness. I go do aerobics and there is this tiny little girl in there who is falling down while I am sweating like a dog, but keeping up (barely, I'm not holding myself up as a bastion of fitness, either). But if the two of us were out side by side, even though she eats like crap and I eat fairly healthy and she's out of shape and I can kick her butt...Well, I'm fat and she's skinny. Guess who people thing is the healthier one?

Right. So, Clean Eating is a disappointment. Because rather than talk about health, rather than talk about WHY eating processed foods is so bad for us, it's all about weight. Eat more lentils and you'll be skinny! Eat these sugar substitutes and you'll be better off!

And let's talk about that for a minute. How is it okay to tout yourself as the Clean Eating lifestyle guide when promoting stevia, truvia, and everything else?

So, let's talk about health for a minute. If you fat, if you're skinny, if you're somewhere in between...take care of yourself. For some people that means losing weight. For some people (GAAAASP) that means gaining weight! For some it means eating better or exercising more (or at all).


So maybe instead of preaching the gospel of skinny, we should be talking about health. Eat BETTER food. Be more informed about your choices. And please, for the love of Pete, STOP worrying about pre-baby bodies and bikini bodies and celebrity bodies and if you have cellulite (you do, I do, the volleyball team, Kim Kardashian, some other hot chick...they all do. that's life.), and just try to take care of yourself!