Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The cranky is back....

So I have a number of things to be cranky about right now (including the phrase first world problems, and people who post on news articles going "why is this news?") but today I am going to complain about Facebook.

Folks. I know that you are trying to share the things that you care about. But I am not going to repost your extremely preachy status about how 93% of people won't repost this, but if I really supported our troops, I would.


I seriously doubt bringing our soldiers home relies on Facebook statuses, or that reposting a
Facebook status that has cycled through my feed at least 10 times now is going to have an impact on moral overseas.

Similarly, I am not going to "like" your link about Jesus. In an interesting twist, I accepted Jesus when Zuckerberg was still wetting himself, so I don't really feel like I need to establish my relationship by clicking a button to prove how holy I am.

And speaking of proving how holy I am, when it comes to praying on the street corner, so to speak, please reference the Pharisees and then decide whether you want to click that "like" button.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The voice in my head is just trying to decide how to search for him on IMDb

Tonight I came home, turned on the tv, didn't find anything on, and flipped over to QVC. I hope you will enjoy this tour through the thought process brought on by the host:

"Man...this guy looks familiar. He kind of looks like that guy. That one guy. The one who looks like Owen Wilson and is in similarly crappy movies but less offensive. Dang. What is his name? I think he was in the Ghost Hunter with J. Lo Hew. Wait...that's not the name of the show...JAY MOHR! That's his name. Dang...he has crazy eyebrows."

And there you go...A sample from my inner monologue.

I'm sorry I haven't been cranky lately. But I am back to work, which infringes on my patience and my naptime, so crankiness is sure to follow.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Reviewers, you are ON NOTICE

Let’s talk about bad book reviews. And I don’t mean book reviews in which the books get trashed and the author is curled up in a corner crying. Let’s face it, some books suck, and those authors have it coming.

No, I am talking about when the reviews themselves are ridiculously awful. Some publications consistently have ridiculously over the top reviews. I subscribe to a mailing list that sends me one review a day culled from various sources. When I see that they have sent me a review from Rain Taxi I automatically delete it, because I know the odds of me actually learning anything about the book being reviewed are slim to none. This is bad and wrong. 

If I have read through your excessively long review, and come out with no idea what the book is about, but a clear idea that you are a pompous idiot, the review was a failure.

If, instead of being concise and honest, you have danced around the  actual topic of the book for five paragraphs and leave me thinking “well, the book sounds kind of interesting” only to find that when I read the book, what you meant by “an intense exploration of X” you meant “five hundred dull as dirty pages on X”? Your review has failed. 

If your review meanders through an entire genre and  I give up before you even get to the part where you talk about the book you are supposedly reviewing, if you ever do get there,  your review has failed. 

If you use some over the top language that I am unable to decide if you are saying the book is good or bad (This book was a visceral experience. Like a punch to the stomach. Like seeing your first love walk by with another woman while you sip an espresso in a small cafĂ© in Paris.) your review has failed. I don’t care if it made you think of the guy you had a crush on in high school, because that doesn’t tell me anything about the book. For all I know, thinking about that guy fills you with a sense of dread and nausea and what you are really telling me is that this book is very, very bad. JUST SAY THAT THE BOOK IS VERY, VERY BAD.

Be blunt! Be honest! Be concise! Be realistic about the fact that people are reading these book reviews because they want to know about the books not because they want to know what ACT words you can still remember. So next time, professional reviewers, when you sit down at your computer, please stick your florid, overwrought prose where the sun don’t shine, and just let me know if I need to tell the author to do the same.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011 least I'm delicious?

 downside of living alone: no one to tell you you've got chocolate smeared on your forehead
 upside of living alone: no one notices when you've got chocolate smeared on your forehead

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Look at me! MEEEE! Meeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I have many ideas for the new year, but here is one to think about. If you require external validation, it's time to look internally.

Or put another way, when you feel compelled to attention whore, just remember, sincerity is rarely prompted by pity parties.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year!

The cold of winter sucks, but what sucks more is the unreliability of it. It's been in the fifties for three days! tomorrow it's going to be back into the twenties. I've had mad allergies for two days, my skin is so dry I could sand wood with it, and I've had to plug in the humidifier. I keep in the closet, behind the dehumidifier I use for the other three seasons. Sheesh. Winter.

Hello all, sorry I have been neglecting you all over the holidays. I have been reading lots and lots, and that's been keeping me occupied.

I have also been eating tremendous amounts of really bad for me food, which I am sure I will regret eventually, and by eventually, I  mean Monday, which is when my aerobics classes restart.

My friends, I have no real resolutions for the new year. In fact, I resolved not to make any so I could break it quickly and be done. Hope you have as much success with all of your resolutions this year!