THE POWER OF CRISP COMPELS YOU

This is just a reminder:

Cooked carrots are an abomination.

Thank you, that is all.

I am a lady, not a child. I am especially not a lobotomized child.

...Although it did take me a couple tries to remember how to spell lobotomized.

So here is the issue with things that are marketed to ladies - the assumption that ladies need to be marketed to at all.

I think everyone has seen these ridiculous Bic for Her pens. And they have been soundly (and rightfully) mocked. But although I am annoyed by the idea that I need a special lady pen, that is not what I'm talking about. In this case, I am talking about crap like a cookbook I read recently.

The Meat Club Cookbook: For Gals who Love Their Meat. Y'all. I wanted to like it. I wanted to find some recipes that worked for me (and I did copy a couple of recipes out before I shipped it back via Interlibrary Loan) but...I didn't like it. I found it to be stupid and patronizing and full of tips like how to use a marinade to make a less expensive cut of meat tender because then you could still afford those cute shoes you saw! Teehee. And also how we like pork because pigs are cute and also pink! TEEHEE.

I was making notes as I was reading and after that part my notes read "please die" so there's that.

Listen, I think a  cookbook with lots of straightforward recipes for preparing meat is a great idea. I don't even think a meat cookbook with women as it's primary audience  is a terrible idea because I know a lot of people men and women who are afraid of pretty much everything but a boneless skinless chicken breast. This cookbook doesn't get the job done. The over the top nonsense. The idea that we need a meat club for girls because we can't eat meat in front of men? That's stupid and I hate it.

Diet Advice and by Advice I Mean Lies

This line. THIS LINE: "Order an individual dessert to share among three people. One or two bites, and you'll be satisfied."

What a load of horse crap.

I mean sure, if you're at Shoney's order a brownie sundae thing and it's the size of your head, or you go to the Cheesecake Factory. Fine. Whatever. But let's be real. Most of the time you do not eat two bites of cake and then go "oooh nooo. Now I'm perfectly satisfied. You guys eat the rest."

COME. ON. I think there's two problems going on here.

1) The idea that we have to have dessert after every meal. This is a falsity. I think it is largely brought on by the idea that "oh, well I was GOOD today, so I deserve something." Listen. Food should not be something we punish or reward ourselves with. That creates a weird and unhealthy relationship with our dinner plates. If you want a piece of chocolate eat a piece of chocolate but don't tee hee hee about how bad you are being. And eat dessert if you want dessert but don't eat dessert every day after every meal because you're "supposed" to have dessert.

2) The idea that we should keep eating if we are full. This goes back to the idea that we eat dessert because we are "supposed" to eat dessert. Or clearing our plates so we don't waste food. This one was actually hard for me to learn. I felt so strongly that I was SUPPOSED to want seconds or SUPPOSED to clear my plate or OF COURSE I want dessert that I would literally ignore my feelings of fullness to keep eating. I would eat until y stomach hurt and I would eat until I was sick and then I would (of course) be miserable. And most of that was simply because I felt an obligation to EAT.

3) We should quit eating even if we're not full. So much of diet advice is conflicting. Eat! Don't eat! Eat this, not that! Eat that not this! Eat what you want it doesn't matter, only calories matter! Don't eat carbs!  Don't eat protein! It's not a diet it's a lifestyle change! etc etc. What it really comes down to is that we are TRAINED TO IGNORE OUR BODIES.

As a group, our relationship with food is messed up. And pretending we're happy with a bite when we want a slice is part of that.

Blogvember

So, I brutally failed at Blogtober. Sorry guys! Let's try again. It's November, which many people know as Nanowrimo, but I've decided to do Nablopomo instead. So we're going to do blogvember!

And my first post is ...food! I could use a bakation right now. There are so many things I want to cook right now and not enough time to fix it all! I can cook a quick, healthy and delicious weeknight meal without breaking a sweat, but when it' time to try a complicated new recipe I like to take my time and spread out and make a mess in my kitchen.

In addition to all my experimental shenanigans I am planning I am going to try making another variety of my granola cereal. So far I have only made peanut butter cereal, but I think I am going to try making cinnamon maple walnut this weekend. cereal has turned into my go to snack. I know what' sin it, and I cam make sure it's full of healthy ingredients that I love. Definitely keeps me out of the cookies. :D

Tasty Fail

So, as previously mentioned, I am working my way towards bready perfection this year. As part of that question, last night I attempted to make ciabatta style sandwich rolls. Y'all, this is the kind of failure that makes me want to toss in the apron. The rolls were tasty, but I thought, based on the recipe, that theywould SPREAD and rise...and they just...rose. So they really didn't make a sandwich roll...unless you want to eat a rather tiny sandwich, and due to the the rather crusty nature of ciabatta bread, they dn't actually make very good dinner rolls,s o this was pretty much an all around failure. However, I am not defeated. I will rise again (pun intended) until I get the perfect recipe for tasty perfection. I must admit though that the waste of a fairly large amount of ingredients was extremely cranky making. However, the cranky was mitigated by the production of a very tasty pizza, which I made the crust for from scratch.

The dough also rises

I have only made one resolution for this year:

Get awesome at making bread.

How about you?

(my recent bread making failures have led to extreme crankiness, but it's really only entertaining if you'r ein the room with me when Ir ealize what's gone wrong. I would be hilarious on my own cooking show (Which would be called Baking Between Naps) but it would be too expensive to bleep out all the profanity that happens when I realize my extreme failures.

Eating Smart

Well, a few months ago, I picked up a magazine called Clean Eating for the first time. It was interesting, good recipes, and some new ideas. I wasn't familiar with the concept of clean eating. Basically, the "diet" encourages you to eat food as close to unprocessed as you can get it. Use natural, fresh ingredients to make your meals. No need to smother the food in heavy sauces or seasonings, just use good food and prepare it well.

So I picked up the latest issue, and barely a page went by that didn't extoll the virtues of how clean eating will help you lose weight. There was even an article on a woman who got back to her pre-baby weight! HALLELUJAH!

*Sigh*

Listen. I am so so SO tired of the world equating health with thinness. I go do aerobics and there is this tiny little girl in there who is falling down while I am sweating like a dog, but keeping up (barely, I'm not holding myself up as a bastion of fitness, either). But if the two of us were out side by side, even though she eats like crap and I eat fairly healthy and she's out of shape and I can kick her butt...Well, I'm fat and she's skinny. Guess who people thing is the healthier one?

Right. So, Clean Eating is a disappointment. Because rather than talk about health, rather than talk about WHY eating processed foods is so bad for us, it's all about weight. Eat more lentils and you'll be skinny! Eat these sugar substitutes and you'll be better off!

And let's talk about that for a minute. How is it okay to tout yourself as the Clean Eating lifestyle guide when promoting stevia, truvia, and everything else?

So, let's talk about health for a minute. If you fat, if you're skinny, if you're somewhere in between...take care of yourself. For some people that means losing weight. For some people (GAAAASP) that means gaining weight! For some it means eating better or exercising more (or at all).


So maybe instead of preaching the gospel of skinny, we should be talking about health. Eat BETTER food. Be more informed about your choices. And please, for the love of Pete, STOP worrying about pre-baby bodies and bikini bodies and celebrity bodies and if you have cellulite (you do, I do, the volleyball team, Kim Kardashian, some other hot chick...they all do. that's life.), and just try to take care of yourself!

Fondue...

Fondud...I am full of it. Cheese and meat and wine and chocolate...who can be cranky in these circumstances?

Yum

Is there anything more delicious looking than the last swirls of butter melting into a pan ful of chocolate? This isn't rhetorical. I want to know. Is there?

A litte bit cranky, a little bit....also cranky

A few cranky thoughts on things that are not what they pretend to be:

White Chocolate, you are not chocolate. You don't taste like chocolate. There is no cocoa in you. You are insufficiently delicious in comparison. You should find a new name. Like "white candy that tastes ok, I guess, sometimes, if you're in the mood for it."

Kleenex with Lotion, you are no Puffs Plus. I try to use you when I am sick, you do not sooth my nose, you make my nose sadder. You do not have enough of the lotions, and it makes me sad.

Country songs about how totally real and country you are. I love me some country music. And some songs about being country are awesome.



Some songs about how country you are are not awesome. That new song by the LoCash Cowboys. That's totally awful. ALSO, songs about how totally patriotic you are. Daryl Worley, I am totally looking at you. It can be done right! It can be done well. But that's probably not how you're doing it, so please, stop.