Thursday, November 10, 2011

When did they put that speed bump in?

So, a kid got hit on my campus today. Apparently, he walked away from it, but his leg later swelled up.

That is a real, serious bummer and I feel bad for the kid.


(You knew there was going to be a however, right?)

The driver stopped to check on him and the kid admitted that it was his fault for walking out in front of the car. THAT makes me cranky. I get that in a pedestrian heavy area like a college campus that drivers need to be aware, drive slowly and stop at crosswalks. That does not relieve the pedestrians of the responsibility to think! There is a lot of on street parking, which means there are cars blocking the view for drivers, buildings, etc. If I can't see you, I can't stop for you. You HAVE TO STOP AND LOOK. PERIOD.

I feel like a lot of things that make me cranky should be common sense and this is definitely one of those issues. Did you make it through kindergarten? Did you watch Sesame St.? Mr. Rogers? Then you really should know better. And if you do things you know you shouldn't and get hurt? Then you need to suck it. That's not the driver's fault, that's yours. You made that BAD DECISION. And you need to suck it up and deal with the results. (This is, FYI, applicable to many things beyond crossing the street, so feel free to take it with you.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

CMA Awards

Alright people, I did not want to have to do this ,  but we are going to ahve to talk about clothes. I am at this very moment watching the CMA Awards, and they are killing me.

Look, I get that this is country music, and y'all feel like you have to maintain some kind of country cred with your fans. I DO NOT CARE. For the love of Mike, if this is the only night it happens, this is the night to dress like a flipping grown up. George Strait has made an art of looking classy in jeans. TAKE A NOTE. Put on a real shirt, iron it. Tuck it in. Take a moment to ask yourself (ERIC CHURCH) do I look like a serial killing truck driver? Because if the answer is yes, let's take off the hat and sunglasses. How is that even a look? You are inside! INSIDE. There is no SUN. You do not NEED THE SHADE. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Cowboy hats get a pass. It's country music and they are dress hats. (It's a thing, y'all.) Trucker hats and aviators? Do not get a pass. Because that is only a thing if you are a douchebag. Are you a douchebag, Eric Church? I like your music, so I hope not, but what is that outfit? You are not in a trashy honky tonk playing in a cage while they  huck beer bottles at you. You are a success, cut that crap out.

And on that same note, LADY ANTEBELLUM, dudes, what is that? You've got on what looks like a plaid flannel shirt unbuttoned really to the point where you turn me into my mother and I want to tell you to fix your shirt and get a haircut. Other Lady Antebellum guy, love the guyliner, but could you really not do better than a cheap as crap (that you probably paid 700 bucks for) white undershit? I work out in those.

And now a word to Jason Aldean - remember when I liked you? Then you did a song where you rapped. Those days are over. Also, in that song you talk about drinking and driving a lot, like it's totally cool. You know who drinks and drives? DOUCHEBAGS. Don't make me have the douchebag talk with you.
And finally, this goes out especially to the ladies in the audience and brings me back to my mom when I just want to say to you, those gowns are lovely, your makeup is very nice, and you would be so pretty IF YOU WOULD JUST STAND UP STRAIGHT.

ETA: That is how to do it, Blake Shelton!

ETA: I think Carrie Underwood killed and skinned a Laura Ashley comforter for that dress. And my 6 year old niece would kill for that shiny headband. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Get out the Vote! Or Just Plain Get Out.

Hello, everyone. Today is election day, so let's talk about politics. Did you vote today? If you didn't, you make me cranky. Did you fail to vote, but make the decision to complain about the state of the country  anyway? You make me very cranky. Did you decide to vote based on political ads, your father's political party or Rish Limbaugh (etc) without doing any research or bothering to think for yourself? You make me the MOST CRANKY.

Folks, the good Lord gave you a brain. Let me take this time to encourage you to USE IT. Look, if you vote differently than me, I'm not going to be all yay! you cancelled out my vote by voting for someone I think is a total dick! Well done! But if you thought it out and made your decision based on what you believe, I'm not going to hate on you. But for the love of Pete, at least THINK about it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Cranky? Who's Cranky?

Today was the fulfillment of a long time dream when I received a very special package. I got a package marked "Kitchen Aid Mixer," and within lay a mixer I have wanted for years. It is shiny. It is powerful. And most importantly, it is RED. It is everything I've been dreaming of for years, and it is just absolutely the best.

If it had not been here today, THAT'S what I would have been cranky about, because I've been refreshing the tracking page like an OCD monkey.

I broke Big Red in by making gingersnaps tonight,which are perfect for this time of year, and so, mixer related happiness and cookie bliss have deprived you of my crankiness. Tomorrow someone is sure to tick me off, however (remind me to tell the story of the self-busting work study student) so we will be back to our regularly scheduled cranky in no time.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Birds in General, Chickens in Particular and One Specific Cockatoo

Listen. I love animals. I do. Not enough to be a vegatarian, but seriously, they shouldn't be so delicious if they don't want to be eaten. Dogs,cats, bunnies, squirrels, cows, llamas (and we'll get to the llamas in a second), you name it, I am a fan.

But not birds. Birds, it must be said, freak me right the hell out. They are generally foul tempered (confession, I typed fowl three times before I realized what the problem was), weird, smelly poop machines. Birds have now bowel control. That's why they poop everywhere.  Their butts are poop spewing free for alls.

Why are they making me cranky in particular at this moment? Well, I've been watching over the llama farm this weekend, for a friend of mine who runs it (the baby llama let me pet him! So soft! So fluffy! So cuute! Big ears! eeeee! Wait. No. Cranky. Heart of Stone. Heart of Stone. Back to hating chickens. So fluffy.) and she keeps chickens, ducks, geese, cattle, one cockatoo, four dogs and an unspecified number of cats. ( I can't tell if there are really as many as I think or they just all look alike when they are trying to con more food out of me.) The only animals in this menagerie that give me any problems are the birds. The ducks and geese aren't too bad (the geese occassionally hiss, but are easily distracted), but the chickens...THE CHICKENS. On one hand, they are wonderful layers, and part of my pay for my llama sitting is all the eggs I can find. That was 30, this weekend, which is a pretty good haul. On the other hand, they are freaky as all get out. While I was gathering eggs in the hen houses, one of them tried to fly up into my face three times! What is that? What's the story? Why so aggressive? They also keep trying to peck my toes, which are thankfully protected bby my hiking boots. The hen houses smell TERRIBLE BTW. Seriously, like, the worst. And the chickens follow you in and are all WING FLAPPY AND BAWKING AND I'M SORRY BUT THEY SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF ME.

These people have a dog that is bigger than me, weighs almost the same as me, and could probably rip my arm off if he got bored. Am I scared of the dog? Of course not. The dog is great. The chickens, however, are totally flipping insane. What is their problem? I do not get it.

And then, there is the cockatoo. Man. that sucker is crazy. You want to give him fresh water? TOO BAD FOR YOU, HE IS GOING TO FLY AT YOU AND TRY TO GET OUT TO BITE YOU. Trying to give him pellets? HE DOESN'T WANT PELLETS, HE WANTS FREEDOM. TO BITE YOU. I'm sorry, bird loves, but what. the. hell?

In conclusion, birds kind of ruin my adorable baby llama buzz, and also freak me out. Sorry bird lovers, but I think that you are mental.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Return of the Mini Cranks!

What am I cranky about today? My internet is up and down! Also, getting stuck behind the schoolbus in traffic. Also, when my shoelaces come untied. I got some new shoes with silk laces and it is not working out.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

And you thought I was cranky BEFORE

Well, I just got back from the Drs. office, where I received my second dose of Depo Provera, the birth control shot. The next two weeks will be interesting, as after my first dose I spent that time in a state of total emotional disarray, constantly either TOTALLY HAPPY or in an absolutely irrational rage. And I realized even in the midst of that rage that it was irrational...and that only made me even more angry. Being self-aware ain't all it's cracked up to be.

But until the hormones kicked in, let's talk about the things that I am being rationally cranky about, like the fact that the doorbell at my job is broken and just takes random intervals to go off repeatedly and then stops as soon as maintenance comes to look at it. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy, based on the way he said "and do you hear the bells now?" (I'm kidding. That didn't happen. It was pretty strongly implied, but he didn't say the words.) (Gotta be honest about my crankiness, you know.) I can't decide if I think the doorbell or the maintenance guy is out to get me. Wait, this was supposed to be a rational rant. That means it's clearly maintenance that's out to get me as doorbells are inanimate objects.

Actually, I have a question about that. Doorbells move, when you push then. Does that make them animate objects? Same goes for cars, book carts and rolly chairs. Does inanimate mean that it isn't alive, or that it doesn't move? I NEED TO KNOW. Imprecise language makes me cranky. People who constantly harangue other people about grammar also make me cranky, although if you want to harass them about spelling, go with God.

That's all for now, but make sure you come back tomorrow, as I will have gotten my hair cut so will most definitely have something to be cranky about

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


So! It is National Blog Posting Month again! It is also National Novel Writing Month, again! Good luck with that, suckers! I'll be over here, blogging! Today  I am going to pretend to be a follower and actually respond to the NaBloPoMo official prompt "What is your favorite part about writing?"

Well, let's rephrase the question (ok, I am not a good follower, anyone who has ever seen me look at a recipe and go "eeeeh...let's just change a couple things" already knew that). How about we try "What is your favorite part about writing about crankiness?"

I LOVE my cranky blog, even though I sometimes neglect you. I love writing about being cranky because it gives voice to all the stupid, petty, TOTALLY RIDICULOUS nonsense that drives most of us crazy on a daily basis. Let's be honest, most days the stuff that makes "have a bad day" isn't the BIG STUFF it's the stupid small stuff that when we try to explain makes up feel petty for even talking about. But IT ADDS UP. So why hold it in? I love to write about being cranky because it let's me see the funny side, the hilarious side, the "did you see the stink-eye that woman gave me? COME ON." side of it all. If you can turn it into a funny story later, it wasn't so bad after all!

I think we (people in general and women in particular) feel compelled to put on a happy face (and seriously, if one more TOTAL STRANGER tells me to smile...BOOM! POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!) and I think that is bull-malarky! It is okay to be cranky! It is better than okay! It is FANTASTIC. Embrace it! Don't push those emotions down until finally that jerk that cuts in front of you in line because he feels like it's ok to run people down to serve his need for an extra straw is what makes you snap! Let' it all out! Embrace your inner crank!

And if you need help...just keep stopping by the cranky blog...I got a million reasons to be cranky and I'm not afraid to clue you in.