Friday, December 2, 2011

I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT (because I am a douche bag)

So I blew it with NaBloPoMo, sorry guys. But here is a quick cranky moment.

Sunglasses. Inside. At Night. WHATEVER. Are you blind? Are you light sensitive? If yes, you are the only people who get a pass on this. If the answer is no CUT THAT CRAP OUT RIGHT NOW I AM NOT KIDDING.

Thank you, that is all.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

When did they put that speed bump in?

So, a kid got hit on my campus today. Apparently, he walked away from it, but his leg later swelled up.

That is a real, serious bummer and I feel bad for the kid.


(You knew there was going to be a however, right?)

The driver stopped to check on him and the kid admitted that it was his fault for walking out in front of the car. THAT makes me cranky. I get that in a pedestrian heavy area like a college campus that drivers need to be aware, drive slowly and stop at crosswalks. That does not relieve the pedestrians of the responsibility to think! There is a lot of on street parking, which means there are cars blocking the view for drivers, buildings, etc. If I can't see you, I can't stop for you. You HAVE TO STOP AND LOOK. PERIOD.

I feel like a lot of things that make me cranky should be common sense and this is definitely one of those issues. Did you make it through kindergarten? Did you watch Sesame St.? Mr. Rogers? Then you really should know better. And if you do things you know you shouldn't and get hurt? Then you need to suck it. That's not the driver's fault, that's yours. You made that BAD DECISION. And you need to suck it up and deal with the results. (This is, FYI, applicable to many things beyond crossing the street, so feel free to take it with you.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

CMA Awards

Alright people, I did not want to have to do this ,  but we are going to ahve to talk about clothes. I am at this very moment watching the CMA Awards, and they are killing me.

Look, I get that this is country music, and y'all feel like you have to maintain some kind of country cred with your fans. I DO NOT CARE. For the love of Mike, if this is the only night it happens, this is the night to dress like a flipping grown up. George Strait has made an art of looking classy in jeans. TAKE A NOTE. Put on a real shirt, iron it. Tuck it in. Take a moment to ask yourself (ERIC CHURCH) do I look like a serial killing truck driver? Because if the answer is yes, let's take off the hat and sunglasses. How is that even a look? You are inside! INSIDE. There is no SUN. You do not NEED THE SHADE. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Cowboy hats get a pass. It's country music and they are dress hats. (It's a thing, y'all.) Trucker hats and aviators? Do not get a pass. Because that is only a thing if you are a douchebag. Are you a douchebag, Eric Church? I like your music, so I hope not, but what is that outfit? You are not in a trashy honky tonk playing in a cage while they  huck beer bottles at you. You are a success, cut that crap out.

And on that same note, LADY ANTEBELLUM, dudes, what is that? You've got on what looks like a plaid flannel shirt unbuttoned really to the point where you turn me into my mother and I want to tell you to fix your shirt and get a haircut. Other Lady Antebellum guy, love the guyliner, but could you really not do better than a cheap as crap (that you probably paid 700 bucks for) white undershit? I work out in those.

And now a word to Jason Aldean - remember when I liked you? Then you did a song where you rapped. Those days are over. Also, in that song you talk about drinking and driving a lot, like it's totally cool. You know who drinks and drives? DOUCHEBAGS. Don't make me have the douchebag talk with you.
And finally, this goes out especially to the ladies in the audience and brings me back to my mom when I just want to say to you, those gowns are lovely, your makeup is very nice, and you would be so pretty IF YOU WOULD JUST STAND UP STRAIGHT.

ETA: That is how to do it, Blake Shelton!

ETA: I think Carrie Underwood killed and skinned a Laura Ashley comforter for that dress. And my 6 year old niece would kill for that shiny headband. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Get out the Vote! Or Just Plain Get Out.

Hello, everyone. Today is election day, so let's talk about politics. Did you vote today? If you didn't, you make me cranky. Did you fail to vote, but make the decision to complain about the state of the country  anyway? You make me very cranky. Did you decide to vote based on political ads, your father's political party or Rish Limbaugh (etc) without doing any research or bothering to think for yourself? You make me the MOST CRANKY.

Folks, the good Lord gave you a brain. Let me take this time to encourage you to USE IT. Look, if you vote differently than me, I'm not going to be all yay! you cancelled out my vote by voting for someone I think is a total dick! Well done! But if you thought it out and made your decision based on what you believe, I'm not going to hate on you. But for the love of Pete, at least THINK about it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Cranky? Who's Cranky?

Today was the fulfillment of a long time dream when I received a very special package. I got a package marked "Kitchen Aid Mixer," and within lay a mixer I have wanted for years. It is shiny. It is powerful. And most importantly, it is RED. It is everything I've been dreaming of for years, and it is just absolutely the best.

If it had not been here today, THAT'S what I would have been cranky about, because I've been refreshing the tracking page like an OCD monkey.

I broke Big Red in by making gingersnaps tonight,which are perfect for this time of year, and so, mixer related happiness and cookie bliss have deprived you of my crankiness. Tomorrow someone is sure to tick me off, however (remind me to tell the story of the self-busting work study student) so we will be back to our regularly scheduled cranky in no time.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Birds in General, Chickens in Particular and One Specific Cockatoo

Listen. I love animals. I do. Not enough to be a vegatarian, but seriously, they shouldn't be so delicious if they don't want to be eaten. Dogs,cats, bunnies, squirrels, cows, llamas (and we'll get to the llamas in a second), you name it, I am a fan.

But not birds. Birds, it must be said, freak me right the hell out. They are generally foul tempered (confession, I typed fowl three times before I realized what the problem was), weird, smelly poop machines. Birds have now bowel control. That's why they poop everywhere.  Their butts are poop spewing free for alls.

Why are they making me cranky in particular at this moment? Well, I've been watching over the llama farm this weekend, for a friend of mine who runs it (the baby llama let me pet him! So soft! So fluffy! So cuute! Big ears! eeeee! Wait. No. Cranky. Heart of Stone. Heart of Stone. Back to hating chickens. So fluffy.) and she keeps chickens, ducks, geese, cattle, one cockatoo, four dogs and an unspecified number of cats. ( I can't tell if there are really as many as I think or they just all look alike when they are trying to con more food out of me.) The only animals in this menagerie that give me any problems are the birds. The ducks and geese aren't too bad (the geese occassionally hiss, but are easily distracted), but the chickens...THE CHICKENS. On one hand, they are wonderful layers, and part of my pay for my llama sitting is all the eggs I can find. That was 30, this weekend, which is a pretty good haul. On the other hand, they are freaky as all get out. While I was gathering eggs in the hen houses, one of them tried to fly up into my face three times! What is that? What's the story? Why so aggressive? They also keep trying to peck my toes, which are thankfully protected bby my hiking boots. The hen houses smell TERRIBLE BTW. Seriously, like, the worst. And the chickens follow you in and are all WING FLAPPY AND BAWKING AND I'M SORRY BUT THEY SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF ME.

These people have a dog that is bigger than me, weighs almost the same as me, and could probably rip my arm off if he got bored. Am I scared of the dog? Of course not. The dog is great. The chickens, however, are totally flipping insane. What is their problem? I do not get it.

And then, there is the cockatoo. Man. that sucker is crazy. You want to give him fresh water? TOO BAD FOR YOU, HE IS GOING TO FLY AT YOU AND TRY TO GET OUT TO BITE YOU. Trying to give him pellets? HE DOESN'T WANT PELLETS, HE WANTS FREEDOM. TO BITE YOU. I'm sorry, bird loves, but what. the. hell?

In conclusion, birds kind of ruin my adorable baby llama buzz, and also freak me out. Sorry bird lovers, but I think that you are mental.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Return of the Mini Cranks!

What am I cranky about today? My internet is up and down! Also, getting stuck behind the schoolbus in traffic. Also, when my shoelaces come untied. I got some new shoes with silk laces and it is not working out.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

And you thought I was cranky BEFORE

Well, I just got back from the Drs. office, where I received my second dose of Depo Provera, the birth control shot. The next two weeks will be interesting, as after my first dose I spent that time in a state of total emotional disarray, constantly either TOTALLY HAPPY or in an absolutely irrational rage. And I realized even in the midst of that rage that it was irrational...and that only made me even more angry. Being self-aware ain't all it's cracked up to be.

But until the hormones kicked in, let's talk about the things that I am being rationally cranky about, like the fact that the doorbell at my job is broken and just takes random intervals to go off repeatedly and then stops as soon as maintenance comes to look at it. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy, based on the way he said "and do you hear the bells now?" (I'm kidding. That didn't happen. It was pretty strongly implied, but he didn't say the words.) (Gotta be honest about my crankiness, you know.) I can't decide if I think the doorbell or the maintenance guy is out to get me. Wait, this was supposed to be a rational rant. That means it's clearly maintenance that's out to get me as doorbells are inanimate objects.

Actually, I have a question about that. Doorbells move, when you push then. Does that make them animate objects? Same goes for cars, book carts and rolly chairs. Does inanimate mean that it isn't alive, or that it doesn't move? I NEED TO KNOW. Imprecise language makes me cranky. People who constantly harangue other people about grammar also make me cranky, although if you want to harass them about spelling, go with God.

That's all for now, but make sure you come back tomorrow, as I will have gotten my hair cut so will most definitely have something to be cranky about

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


So! It is National Blog Posting Month again! It is also National Novel Writing Month, again! Good luck with that, suckers! I'll be over here, blogging! Today  I am going to pretend to be a follower and actually respond to the NaBloPoMo official prompt "What is your favorite part about writing?"

Well, let's rephrase the question (ok, I am not a good follower, anyone who has ever seen me look at a recipe and go "eeeeh...let's just change a couple things" already knew that). How about we try "What is your favorite part about writing about crankiness?"

I LOVE my cranky blog, even though I sometimes neglect you. I love writing about being cranky because it gives voice to all the stupid, petty, TOTALLY RIDICULOUS nonsense that drives most of us crazy on a daily basis. Let's be honest, most days the stuff that makes "have a bad day" isn't the BIG STUFF it's the stupid small stuff that when we try to explain makes up feel petty for even talking about. But IT ADDS UP. So why hold it in? I love to write about being cranky because it let's me see the funny side, the hilarious side, the "did you see the stink-eye that woman gave me? COME ON." side of it all. If you can turn it into a funny story later, it wasn't so bad after all!

I think we (people in general and women in particular) feel compelled to put on a happy face (and seriously, if one more TOTAL STRANGER tells me to smile...BOOM! POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!) and I think that is bull-malarky! It is okay to be cranky! It is better than okay! It is FANTASTIC. Embrace it! Don't push those emotions down until finally that jerk that cuts in front of you in line because he feels like it's ok to run people down to serve his need for an extra straw is what makes you snap! Let' it all out! Embrace your inner crank!

And if you need help...just keep stopping by the cranky blog...I got a million reasons to be cranky and I'm not afraid to clue you in.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Do you kiss your mamma with that mouth?

Cussin'! I recognize it as a necessary evil and I myself appreciate the application of a strategic swear on occasion (like the time I had what I'm pretty sure was a hormone related breakdown (a few days after my first depo shot) in my car when I couldn't find what I wanted in the mall. I am pretty sure I made up new cusses! And it is undeniable that cusswords can have way more impact than non cusses. I have tried not to cuss on this blog (because it isn't classy and you know a blog about all the ridiculous stuff that irritates me needs to be extra classy) but today I am breaking that self-imposed rule.

Y'all. I hate the word bitch. Sometimes people are bitches. This is a statement that is a statement of truth. Sometimes people are also assholes and calling them buttholes makes you sound likea ten year old. I get it. I do. But no one is trying to "reclaim" assholes. No one is out there going "I'm proud to be an asshole" (except for Michelle Bachmann (I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Well, I could, but I didn't want to. I mean, come on.). But for some reason, people think they should reclaim bitch.


Listen, the best you can say about bitch is that it is the appropriate term for a female dog. It has never been an appropriate term for a female human and therefore there is nothing to REclaim. There is no hidden past where being a bitch meant something awesome that we should try to reclaim the meaning to, okay? It was an insult to be called a dog.

SEE ALSO: Whore, Ho, Biotch, Slut and all variations thereof. Seriously. Cut that shit out.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Kids today (aka I am so old, aka don’t they got no fetching up, aka get off my lawn)

So as an academic librarian I am constantly exposed to TODAY’S YOUTH. And let me just say, what the hell? Do these kids parents no raise them to have any manners at all? So here is a list of things that because I am clearly so so old, make me absolutely crazy.

-          Wearing your headphones or earbuds or whatever you want to call them while talking to people, or trying to get away with only taking one out during class.  If you are talking to someone, please give them your full and total attention. If you don’t want to listen to what I have to say bad enough to take those things off, why should I listen to you, or waste my breath trying to talk to you?

-          Take your hats off inside.  That is so rude.  Do they not teach that that is rude anymore? And that includes your hoods, y’all. It is not raining inside, you do not need your hood up like that and you look like a moron/jerk. HOODS DOWN.

-          Does no one actually say “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” anymore? I mean, seriously? Standing in the door of my office staring at me until I happen to look up my work and notice you doesn’t do anything but scare the pee out of me. A polite “excuse me, I need some help” goes a lot farther. Do not stick papers in my face and go “is this right” or interrupt me while I’m helping someone else to say “I need copies”. Ask politely!  It will make me actually care about what you need!

-          And on the subject of copies, there is such a thing as copyright! I understand that you don’t want to have to buy your own copy of a book. School books are expensive! But I am only allowed to copy 50 pages from any one document and that’s it! If we break those rules and we get caught they will take away our copier and then no one gets any copies! You are not so much more important than everyone else that you should be the reason that on one else gets any copies ever because you “REALLY NEEDED” those extra pages. Don’t whine!

-          Dress like a grown up. No. Not even that. Dress like a five year old if you want, but dress like a five year old whose parents actually care enough about them to dress them in clean clothes without holes in them. And while we’re at it, hygiene is good, and that includes showers, brushing your teeth and PLEASE GOD  washing your hands after you use the bathroom.

-          Show some respect. For yourself. For your classmates. For your professors. For the library equipment, for the other people using the sidewalks. For whatever poor soul you happen to encounter during the day.

-           If you think everyone on campus is rude or unfriendly, consider this, if you are walking along with your hood up, earbuds in, looking at your phone, you’ll never notice if someone says hello or smiles at you as you pass by.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


If you insist on doing things you know are stupid, don't be surprised when they turn out badly. You don't get to act like a moron and then throw your hands up into the air and say you don't understand what happened. What happened is, YOU DID SOMETHING STUPID.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Those pants are not pants!

Leggings are not pants. They are not a pants alternative. You must wear something other than leggings with your leggings. I don't care if you are a cute lil 8 year old or a 200 pound lady leggings are not a solo vehicle. Please bear this in mind when you dress yourself in the morning. PLEASE.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Inconsistent Crankiness

Well, the truth is, I have been pretty consistently cranky for the past couple of months, but in ways not suited for a public forum, or rather about things I can't really discuss here.

However, one of the things that has made me cranky recently is basically just a fount of irrational rage. Actually, I'm basically just a fount of irrational rage in general recently, as I recently started taking Depo shots and I am having a truly lovely reaction to that massive influx of hormones.

I have also made the decision, after 7 glorious years wearing the same glasses, to break down and get new ones, because while my prescription remains at a near constant, I have finally managed to put a scratch in the lense I can't avoid looking through, because it's right down the middle.

Shopping for new frames FLAT. OUT. SUCKED. I went to  six different stores and tried on at LEAST 100 pairs of glasses. I do not enjoy this! It is not fun for me!

Y'all, the current styles are not working for me. I have one tiny complication that makes them extra inconvenient. That big thick ear piece that everyone is so into right now? Pushes my hearing aids right off my ears and that sucks. That alone really eliminated a lot of frames for me. Plus, some of the cutest ones didn't have spring hinges. Now, if you are a glasses noob, you might not know this, but spring hinges are ESSENTIAL. You might let yourself get faked into believing otherwise, even if you are an old hand at wearing glasses, but you would be wrong. DO NOT BE DECEIVED.

So anyway, I went into LensCrafters, on the recommendation of a family member. They basically only carry designer frames now, apparently, and designer and quality are clearly no the same thing, regardless of the price tag. For another, customer service involves listening, folks. If you show me four pairs of glasses, and three of them don't match even my most basic requirements which I explained to you when we were getting started, don't then ditch me to go help someone else who you probably also won't listen to.

I then went to the other LensCrafters in town, hoping they might have some options the other place didn't. They had most of the same stuff, but more helpful people. When I mentioned the woman at the other store, they both knew exactly who I was talking about. So here's my question. If your company has an employee who is so incompetent that she can be recognized purely by that incompetence (and, ok, her affection for oversized jewelry, but still) , why is that person still working for your company? Just curious.

Anyway, I finally found a pair of frames that works for me, but my choices came down to retro librarian and old lady, basically. Retro librarian seems a bit literal seeing as how I am an actual librarian, but it was better than old lady, so there you go. Plus they have polka dots!  But man, that was the most hassle ever to get some glasses. And I still don't have them! I have to wait for my optometrist to get the lenses in.

I am revving up for NaBloPoMo so I am going to try to be posting more regular-like.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Can't keep a good crank down.

Well hello there. Been over a month, hasn't it? Sorry about that. Hope you're not too ...CRANKY with me. :) Please believe me when I tell you my silence does not mean the cranky has died. I have been plenty cranky in the last month. Family. Work. HEALTH ISSUES. All of these things have made me cranky. But I know that's not what you and I are here for. We're here for the petty crap that irritates us all on a daily basis (and by all I mean, I enjoy making sweeping generalizations, and seriously, how can this stuff NOT tick you off?).

First off - It is like a bajillion degrees out and what did I do? CAME FURTHER SOUTH FOR A CONFERENCE. It is two bajillion degrees here. WHAT was I thinking? And I was all excited because my hotel has a pool and I was finally finally finally going to get to go swimming. THE FREAKING POOL IS CLOSED. CLOSED. For CLEANING. It's a pool full of water! Dump in some chlorine and call it good - my hair is natural, it won't hurt the dye. Let's go, splishy splashy! And I have no idea if/when it is going to reopen, but either way, it's too late for swimming tonight! BOOOO.

AND. People, my place of work is searching for an employee this summer. We have had a ton of applicants, we've even made some offers. And yet, do we have a new person? No. Unemployed people are turning down this job. What the heck? WHAT. THE. HECK? I mean seriously. I don't get it. Is someone currently paying you money? No? Are we offering to pay you money? Yes? And've decided you want to continue with the previous way of life? Is that because you suck? Yes? Good to know! What is the problem wiht people. How do you turn down a job with a salary you can live on, excellent benefits, in a town with low low cost of favor service or unemployment? I do not get it.

And one final cranky thing for tonight. GOOGLE MAPS. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, GOOGLE MAPS? First you try to take me through backroads like I'm in freaking Deliverance and when I'm like "no way, man. I don't even play the banjo" you take me so far out of my way I actually crossed over the same river twice. WHAT IS THAT?

Friday, June 3, 2011

Making myself cranky

Despite all appearances to the contrary, I am rather shy. This is a source of eternal crankiness for me, because I think being shy is stupid (sorry, other shy folk, but it's true). It holds me back, or rather, I hold myself back, by being shy. There are things that I want to do, or to try and I don't. Why? Because it means talking to people (noooooooooooooooooooooo) and putting myself forward, and when I do that, I want to cringe and die.

I hate it. Most of the time I can fake it pretty well, lots of people would think shy me was the one faking it, but they would be wrong! SO. WRONG. It makes me tremendously cranky. Right now, I am looking at an e-mail that a colleague forwarded me, suggesting I would be a suitable presenter for an upcoming conference. And...she's not wrong. I would. I am not unqualified. I have something to offer! not going to write to the originator of the e-mail, because I know when she gets it she'll laugh and say "this idiot? Who does she think she is?" and even though I also know that part is TOTALLY IN MY IMAGINATION (probably. I hope.) little shy me goes "No! Don't talk to strangers, it's a terrible idea!"

And it makes me so mad! SO CRANKY. Little shy me, you better straighten up and fly right, because ...well, because nothing. I got no idea how to banish little shy me to the dungeon, so I guess she just gets to keep jerking me around. Wouldn't that make you cranky, too?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Reminder: Having an opinion is not the same thing as being right.

Monday, May 23, 2011

R U Kidding me?

How is this for a cranky post? GRAMMAR ON THE INTERNET. Now. I am no fan of text speak. If U R 2 Lazy 2 use rl wrds...just shut up. PLEASE.

HOWEVER the compulsion to smugly comment on every typo, especially when it is obvious that it's a typo? IS SO OBNOXIOUS. Yes, we get it. You consider yourself a grammar Nazi. Certainly, calling yourself a Nazi of any sort is something you should brag about, clearly. Not only do you set yourself up for a fall when you have even the slightest typo, because everyone is going to jump all over you for that, but it's just bad manners. It derails conversations, and makes it all about what a smarty pants you are.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Age is just a number

One of the things that makes me SUPER CRANKY is books that are described as "coming of age" novels. There is no faster way to kill my interest.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Eating Smart

Well, a few months ago, I picked up a magazine called Clean Eating for the first time. It was interesting, good recipes, and some new ideas. I wasn't familiar with the concept of clean eating. Basically, the "diet" encourages you to eat food as close to unprocessed as you can get it. Use natural, fresh ingredients to make your meals. No need to smother the food in heavy sauces or seasonings, just use good food and prepare it well.

So I picked up the latest issue, and barely a page went by that didn't extoll the virtues of how clean eating will help you lose weight. There was even an article on a woman who got back to her pre-baby weight! HALLELUJAH!


Listen. I am so so SO tired of the world equating health with thinness. I go do aerobics and there is this tiny little girl in there who is falling down while I am sweating like a dog, but keeping up (barely, I'm not holding myself up as a bastion of fitness, either). But if the two of us were out side by side, even though she eats like crap and I eat fairly healthy and she's out of shape and I can kick her butt...Well, I'm fat and she's skinny. Guess who people thing is the healthier one?

Right. So, Clean Eating is a disappointment. Because rather than talk about health, rather than talk about WHY eating processed foods is so bad for us, it's all about weight. Eat more lentils and you'll be skinny! Eat these sugar substitutes and you'll be better off!

And let's talk about that for a minute. How is it okay to tout yourself as the Clean Eating lifestyle guide when promoting stevia, truvia, and everything else?

So, let's talk about health for a minute. If you fat, if you're skinny, if you're somewhere in between...take care of yourself. For some people that means losing weight. For some people (GAAAASP) that means gaining weight! For some it means eating better or exercising more (or at all).

So maybe instead of preaching the gospel of skinny, we should be talking about health. Eat BETTER food. Be more informed about your choices. And please, for the love of Pete, STOP worrying about pre-baby bodies and bikini bodies and celebrity bodies and if you have cellulite (you do, I do, the volleyball team, Kim Kardashian, some other hot chick...they all do. that's life.), and just try to take care of yourself!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Writing Your Representative - Getting Political Again

Here is the letter I just wrote to my Rep.

Are you and your cronies seriously SERIOUSLY forcing a government shut down because you want more control over women's health? Over my health? Over the right to tell people who can and cannot have a legal procedure that is CONSTITUTIONALLY protected? Are you holding up the government because you can't see that Planned Parenthood is more than just abortions, and that many don't even offer abortions but instead do things like offer preventative care and access to birth control that prevents abortion?

Why is it that Republicans want to preach for small government but still get to know what I'm doing with my body? You are denying funding for women's health care at large, not just abortion. And in the process you are denying paychecks to government workers, including soldiers.

You, and everyone else involved in this hostage situation should be ashamed of yourselves. You aren't representing the people. You are representing yourselves and your desire to force your beliefs on everyone else, regardless of whether it is actually good for the government, and for the people under it, which is what you claim to serve. Shame on you, shame on your party, and shame on everyone who falls in line with your blackmail, and unwillingness to do your job. Hopefully, you and your fellow members of the house will be among the government employees who don't get a paycheck. You certainly haven't earned one.

How's that for cranky?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Lead, Follow, or Get out of the Way (before I run you down)

I am a fast walker. I am not some kind of little old lady speed walker, tearing through the mall on the tile paths laid out for me by thoughtful planners. But I walk quickly. I want to get where I am going, get my exercise done, whatever. So if you want to talk about what makes me cranky, the answer is SLOW WALKERS.

Listen, if you want to stroll hand in hand with your sweetie down the sidewalk that is great and I hope you two will be very happy together even though holding hands with someone just kind of makes me feel sad and clammy, because that is a lot of physical contact when you are just trying to walk somewhere and your hands are probably all sweaty, especially if you are wearing those insane smitten things, because it is still cold out. There’s no part of those that don’t look awkward and horrible.

However! As you amble hand in sweaty hand, I’m going to have to ask you to amble to one side so I can get by you, because I? am not am ambler.

On the same note, you horde of teenagers clustered in a group looking at each others cellphones in front of the Aeropostale and PacSun, cluster a little further out of the way if you will, please, I just want to get what I need and go home.
This goes for everyone, ever. Much like when you are on a moving sidewalk in an airport and you are supposed to stand to the right so people can pass you on the left, I believe this si a rule that should extend to all sidewalks, everywhere. Make room for the people who are going somewhere. If you do that, I won’t run your meandering butt over, and you won’t slow me down and we’ll all be a lot less cranky.

Monday, March 21, 2011

If you sprinkle when you tinkle...SIT DOWN

There are not many times when I envy men, but public restrooms definitely make me wish I could pee standing up, and part of the reason for that is the women that try to pee standing up unsuccessfully. Or perhaps I should say try to squat unsuccessfully. This post is for you, ladies. SIT DOWN. When you go into a stall and there is spray on  the seat, this isn't because someone sat down and tinkled in the toilet. No, this is because someone who came before you squatted, and they missed. Wipe it off, use some hand sanitizer, and sit down. Use the toilet seat covers, used a cover made with individual squares of TP if you must, but SIT DOWN. You touch the stall doors, you touch the toilet handle, the sink knobs and everything else. The skin on your butt is not MORE susceptible to disease. Unless your typical toilet habits involve you rubbing your personal bits on the toilet, you are in no more danger from sitting down than you were in getting in there in the first place. You are making the bathrooms messier for the rest of us when you squat so please, SIT DOWN.

And also, what kills me, is that these same women who are squatting over the toilet to "avoid germs" then leave without washing their hands. The germs don't magically know you're a squatter and avoid you, okay? You still need to wash your hands.

And waitresses....when I see you in the bathroom, and you wash your hands, that's great, but it is all negated if you then spend five minutes standing in front of the sink fixing your hair. You are TOUCHING YOUR HAIR. There is a reason people in the kitchens have to wear hairnets and that's because NO ONE WANTS TO EAT HAIR. QUIT IT.

And another note about public restrooms. If you have male children, there is an age at which it is no longer appropriate to bring them into the bathroom with you. Has their voice started to change? Are they entering puberty? TOO OLD. I understand that there are kidnappers lurking around every corner and you are worried someone will steal your precious baby boy. But I seriously doubt anyone is going to steal your sullen teenager from outside of the ladies' room in Belks, okay. Cut the cord, lady. He's uncomfortable, and the rest of us just think it's creepy as all get out.

And if you (or your child) does pee on the seat? CLEAN IT UP.

Monday, March 7, 2011

What's the point?

Alright, here’s something that makes me cranky that I referenced way back in January and that is people who go the comments section of news articles to post “why is this news” or “this is stupid” or “I can’t believe someone wasted their time writing this.” Well honey, you just wasted time not only reading it, but posting about. 

Why is something news? Why is ANYTHING news? Because someone, somewhere, cares about it. To you this may seem stupid or petty or pointless, and maybe it is, but it’s nowhere near as stupid, petty or pointless as your comment. We get it, you cannot be bothered to concern yourself with the affairs of mere mortals and you can’t be bothered to get down off your high horse (although in fairness, that stick you have up your butt probably makes mounting and dismounting your high horse pretty uncomfortable) and the only comments you can make from up there are ones that make you look like a condescending jackhole. Sadly, condescending jackhole is rarely a good look for anyone. 

Listen, I get that not every article is going to appeal to you. I’m not going to lie. I don’t care about Charlie Sheen. He was the least awesome of all of the Young Guns, and the only one who never really worked past his bloaty phase that they pretty much all went through (sorry Emilio Estevez and Keifer Sutherland. Those were some bad years.) and now he’s a crazy, cracked out guy who needs help. So when I go to one of the news sites I visit on a regular basis, I roll my eyes and scroll past the 5 articles about Charlie Sheen because I DON’T CARE. I do not stop to take the time to read the article and then complain about how the article was a waste of time because I don’t care about Charlie Sheen because DUH. 

Now if you read a genuinely terrible article, you can register a complaint but “what was the point of this” is not a valid one. “This article was poorly written and didn’t convey any new information” is a legitimate complaint.  If you read an article on a topic you are not interested in, close the tab (or window, you luddite) and move on.

Monday, February 28, 2011

In which I really get political.

Watch out! This one's a doozy.

Alright folks, as always there are plenty of things I’m cranky about. But I have cranky blog writer’s block because the thing I’m MOST cranky about is politics which I didn’t really intend to discuss here, but forget that. It’s time to lay it on the line.

So, in my home state of Kentucky: 

Are you people REALLY trying to make it so the EPA doesn’t belong to the coal companies? Cause if so, that’s a brilliant plan. Way to make sure that everyone involved knows you care way more about your campaign funds and kickbacks than about the safety and health not only of the people of Kentucky, who get to drink the contaminated water and breath the contaminated air, but also for the land that makes up a beautiful state. Please continue to blow the tops off our mountains and ignore the continuing environmental impact. I can’t imagine how that could possibly go wrong. There is no easy solution to this. Kentucky runs on coal. We need the jobs, and we need the fuel. We don’t need to buckle under to the coal companies’ every demand. Why not? Because they need the coal in our mountains to run. We’ve worked for them for a long time. Maybe they should start working for us.

In Wisconsin: 

Are you people kidding me? This is just embarrassing to the U.S. and people in EGYPT are now supporting protestors here. Zombie Jimmy  Hoffa is gonna rise from his grave (he is likely sleeping with the fishes, after all) and come eat Scott Walker’s brains. Personally, I suspect the poor guy is going to go hungry. Listen, folks. There’s no denying that some unions have used their power unwisely, but to go nerdy on you here, there is a dark side and a light side to the force and all those of you who enjoy things like weekends and lunch breaks and minimum wage should thank God the unions exist. To the people who are saying we don’t need the unions? The very fact that they are trying to bust the unions means we still need unions, because they aren’t about to then hand that negotiating power back to the individual workers. They’ll do that and suddenly it will be all “this is chaos! The workers cannot handle their own negotiations, if only there was some kind of group they could join that would make this easier. In the meantime, we’re just going to go ahead and screw them over. Thanks, folks! Remember us when it’s election time!”

On Planned Parenthood: 

Let’s put aside the fact even though  the country is still struggling to recover economically, that the unemployment rate is still high, and something like one in five families are struggling to eat, the Republicans have decided that the thing to worry about is what I do with my uterus.  Instead let’s focus on the fact that only about 3% of what Planned Parenthood deals with relates to abortion, that not every Planned Parenthood offers abortion and that the best way to prevent unwanted pregnancies that lead to abortion is to provide comprehensive health care including affordable access to birth control, which Planned Parenthood provides. Let’s look at the fact that the Republicans in the House have already voted to DEFUND Planned Parenthood (AND PBS) but have decided to let NASCAR continue to receive 7 MILLION DOLLARS in funding that comes directly from taxpayer dollars. I don’t have anything against NASCAR but I’d rather have access to affordable health care and PBS. Why is it the Republican’s claim to want small government but there’s still room for them to insert themselves into my uterus? Why is it that NASCAR benefits but women suffer under Republicans?

On Women’s Issues: 

I have recently had several young women tell me that feminism is no longer necessary and it was okay, you know, in the past, but we are totally equal now. So let me just say to this…when women are equally represented in politics? We might be equal. When a woman winning an election is no longer news soley because of her gender? We might be equal. When politicians quit trying to win political points by screwing over women? We might be equal. When the pay gap is finally closed and women make the same money for the same work as men? We might be equal.  Until then, we need to keep fighting. 

On Women’s/black/latino, etc etc History Month: 

If I hear one more  white guy say “I don’t see why we need Women’s History Month or Black History Month, where’s White Man History month?” I will scream. I swear. NEWSFLASH. White Man History month is 365 days a year. They are the primary target in just about every history class, not because, as one student suggested “they are the only ones that did stuff” (I swear they actually said that and then my nervous tick came back. La la la.) but because they were the ones writing it down and they only recorded what they did.

Separation of Church and State 

Listen folks, I am a Sunday School teacher. I am a Christian. I believe there is one God, with a big G. I also believe in the separation of church and state.  I believe in that for two reasons. Because I may be a Christian, but the government of the United States needs to represent all of its citizens, and not everyone shares my beliefs. And I believe in it because separation of church and state goes both ways. I don’t want the government in my religion anymore than I want my religion in the government. People seem to have forgotten so much of America’s history. Namely, that many of our ancestors fled here to avoid religious persecution that was being sanctioned by the government. The separation was not only there to keep religion from deciding on how we govern, but also to keep the government from deciding on how we worship. 

On Civility in Politics: 

Look, I write a blog about my anger. Clearly, I am not a model of restraint and patience, here. That said, I think we should all be ashamed of how politics has devolved in the last few years. I had to have a conversation with my Sunday school class about politics. Why? Because they were talking about how they HATE Obama and he’s EVIL.  Now, clearly, I have a liberal slant here. I’m not going to deny it. But I didn’t preach to them that they should have voted for Obama or that their parents should have voted for Obama. Instead, I said that hate is wrong. If there’s anything that EVERYONE can take from the Bible, regardless of a myriad of (often twisted and out of context) interpretations, it’s that Jesus wants us to love each other.  When asked what the greatest command is, he said "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (NIV, Mark 12:28-31). I know and like the parents of these kids. But the kids didn’t pick up on Obama is evil, by themselves. We are to love each other, despite politics, despite everything.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hearts and Roses

And now, a word about Valentine's Day.

I don't hate it. I am a single lady, and what I really hate? Is the idea that I should be marinating in some kind of stabby bitterness because of that.

So here are two thoughts:

1) In a world filled with negativity and flat out meanness, a holiday that celebrates love is not a bad thing.

2) Other people's happiness doesn't take anything away from me, or from you, so a holiday that celebrates people being happy together?  Doesn't make me less because I'm a person on my own.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Body Talk

Y'all, I apologize. I have sucked at updating so far this year. But the good news is, I have lots to be cranky about and I am going to lay some cranky on down the line for you RIGHT. NOW.

We're just a little over a month into the new year and people are still trying to do their New Year's Resolutions and either failing or succeeding and because we live in a world where your worth is measured by the size of your behind, many people have resolved to reduce those proportions.

I am not here to tell you should lose weight or that you shouldn't. My rear related concerns are typically much more about the amount of pain I'm feeling post workout, because my trainer enjoys making us all do squats on an almost pathological level.

Your body is your problem and you are the one who needs to be comfortable about it, not me. But because this is a blog where I shoot off my mouth about things that annoy me, I'm going to tell you what annoys me about other people's bodies. Maybe even YOUR body.


Here we go.

I hate it when people feel compelled to put their own bodies down. "waaaah. my butt is too big, my boobs are too small, I have a muffin top, these pants make my butt look big, I'm so hideous! I hate my nose/eyebrows/ears/other unspecified body part because goodness knows that if it's permanent we will find a way to declare it ugly and horrible."

We all have things about ourselves that make us unhappy, but these little spiels of misery are generally aimed at either fishing for compliments or bringing other people down to your level and I HATE THAT. My problems with my body are the ways that it limits me. I want to do more, I want to do it faster, and I want to do it perfect. That last one is unreasonable, because of the many things that I am? PERFECT IS NOT ON THE LIST. But I'm doing my best. Instead of whining about how I hate my thighs, I'm doing squats until my gluteous is feeling maximus amounts of pain the next day. I got news for you, that's not going to reduce the size of my thighs, but they do increase the muscle mass I have to kicking people's butts when they whine.

What do you think people are going to say to you when you go "oooh, I'm soooo hideous, I wish I looked like a movie star...ooooh I hate myself?" Are they going to say "you're right! Have you considered surgery?"

Or standing around talking about how bad you feel about your body because you're so fat or so bony or so something and and and ...and everyone around you is forced to compare themselves to you and think "ugh, if she's that skinny and she thinks she's fat she must think I'm a cow".

So please, take a moment to think through the negative feelings you have about your body. And then? Talk to a shrink, start a blog, write some bad poetry, but please, PLEASE don't come talking to me about it. It's your body! Love it! Hate it if you must, but keep your body negs out of my positive space. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The cranky is back....

So I have a number of things to be cranky about right now (including the phrase first world problems, and people who post on news articles going "why is this news?") but today I am going to complain about Facebook.

Folks. I know that you are trying to share the things that you care about. But I am not going to repost your extremely preachy status about how 93% of people won't repost this, but if I really supported our troops, I would.


I seriously doubt bringing our soldiers home relies on Facebook statuses, or that reposting a
Facebook status that has cycled through my feed at least 10 times now is going to have an impact on moral overseas.

Similarly, I am not going to "like" your link about Jesus. In an interesting twist, I accepted Jesus when Zuckerberg was still wetting himself, so I don't really feel like I need to establish my relationship by clicking a button to prove how holy I am.

And speaking of proving how holy I am, when it comes to praying on the street corner, so to speak, please reference the Pharisees and then decide whether you want to click that "like" button.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The voice in my head is just trying to decide how to search for him on IMDb

Tonight I came home, turned on the tv, didn't find anything on, and flipped over to QVC. I hope you will enjoy this tour through the thought process brought on by the host:

"Man...this guy looks familiar. He kind of looks like that guy. That one guy. The one who looks like Owen Wilson and is in similarly crappy movies but less offensive. Dang. What is his name? I think he was in the Ghost Hunter with J. Lo Hew. Wait...that's not the name of the show...JAY MOHR! That's his name. Dang...he has crazy eyebrows."

And there you go...A sample from my inner monologue.

I'm sorry I haven't been cranky lately. But I am back to work, which infringes on my patience and my naptime, so crankiness is sure to follow.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Reviewers, you are ON NOTICE

Let’s talk about bad book reviews. And I don’t mean book reviews in which the books get trashed and the author is curled up in a corner crying. Let’s face it, some books suck, and those authors have it coming.

No, I am talking about when the reviews themselves are ridiculously awful. Some publications consistently have ridiculously over the top reviews. I subscribe to a mailing list that sends me one review a day culled from various sources. When I see that they have sent me a review from Rain Taxi I automatically delete it, because I know the odds of me actually learning anything about the book being reviewed are slim to none. This is bad and wrong. 

If I have read through your excessively long review, and come out with no idea what the book is about, but a clear idea that you are a pompous idiot, the review was a failure.

If, instead of being concise and honest, you have danced around the  actual topic of the book for five paragraphs and leave me thinking “well, the book sounds kind of interesting” only to find that when I read the book, what you meant by “an intense exploration of X” you meant “five hundred dull as dirty pages on X”? Your review has failed. 

If your review meanders through an entire genre and  I give up before you even get to the part where you talk about the book you are supposedly reviewing, if you ever do get there,  your review has failed. 

If you use some over the top language that I am unable to decide if you are saying the book is good or bad (This book was a visceral experience. Like a punch to the stomach. Like seeing your first love walk by with another woman while you sip an espresso in a small cafĂ© in Paris.) your review has failed. I don’t care if it made you think of the guy you had a crush on in high school, because that doesn’t tell me anything about the book. For all I know, thinking about that guy fills you with a sense of dread and nausea and what you are really telling me is that this book is very, very bad. JUST SAY THAT THE BOOK IS VERY, VERY BAD.

Be blunt! Be honest! Be concise! Be realistic about the fact that people are reading these book reviews because they want to know about the books not because they want to know what ACT words you can still remember. So next time, professional reviewers, when you sit down at your computer, please stick your florid, overwrought prose where the sun don’t shine, and just let me know if I need to tell the author to do the same.