Lead, Follow, or Get out of the Way (before I run you down)

I am a fast walker. I am not some kind of little old lady speed walker, tearing through the mall on the tile paths laid out for me by thoughtful planners. But I walk quickly. I want to get where I am going, get my exercise done, whatever. So if you want to talk about what makes me cranky, the answer is SLOW WALKERS.

Listen, if you want to stroll hand in hand with your sweetie down the sidewalk that is great and I hope you two will be very happy together even though holding hands with someone just kind of makes me feel sad and clammy, because that is a lot of physical contact when you are just trying to walk somewhere and your hands are probably all sweaty, especially if you are wearing those insane smitten things, because it is still cold out. There’s no part of those that don’t look awkward and horrible.

However! As you amble hand in sweaty hand, I’m going to have to ask you to amble to one side so I can get by you, because I? am not am ambler.

On the same note, you horde of teenagers clustered in a group looking at each others cellphones in front of the Aeropostale and PacSun, cluster a little further out of the way if you will, please, I just want to get what I need and go home.

This goes for everyone, ever. Much like when you are on a moving sidewalk in an airport and you are supposed to stand to the right so people can pass you on the left, I believe this si a rule that should extend to all sidewalks, everywhere. Make room for the people who are going somewhere. If you do that, I won’t run your meandering butt over, and you won’t slow me down and we’ll all be a lot less cranky.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle...SIT DOWN

There are not many times when I envy men, but public restrooms definitely make me wish I could pee standing up, and part of the reason for that is the women that try to pee standing up unsuccessfully. Or perhaps I should say try to squat unsuccessfully. This post is for you, ladies. SIT DOWN. When you go into a stall and there is spray on  the seat, this isn't because someone sat down and tinkled in the toilet. No, this is because someone who came before you squatted, and they missed. Wipe it off, use some hand sanitizer, and sit down. Use the toilet seat covers, used a cover made with individual squares of TP if you must, but SIT DOWN. You touch the stall doors, you touch the toilet handle, the sink knobs and everything else. The skin on your butt is not MORE susceptible to disease. Unless your typical toilet habits involve you rubbing your personal bits on the toilet, you are in no more danger from sitting down than you were in getting in there in the first place. You are making the bathrooms messier for the rest of us when you squat so please, SIT DOWN.

And also, what kills me, is that these same women who are squatting over the toilet to "avoid germs" then leave without washing their hands. The germs don't magically know you're a squatter and avoid you, okay? You still need to wash your hands.

And waitresses....when I see you in the bathroom, and you wash your hands, that's great, but it is all negated if you then spend five minutes standing in front of the sink fixing your hair. You are TOUCHING YOUR HAIR. There is a reason people in the kitchens have to wear hairnets and that's because NO ONE WANTS TO EAT HAIR. QUIT IT.


And another note about public restrooms. If you have male children, there is an age at which it is no longer appropriate to bring them into the bathroom with you. Has their voice started to change? Are they entering puberty? TOO OLD. I understand that there are kidnappers lurking around every corner and you are worried someone will steal your precious baby boy. But I seriously doubt anyone is going to steal your sullen teenager from outside of the ladies' room in Belks, okay. Cut the cord, lady. He's uncomfortable, and the rest of us just think it's creepy as all get out.

And if you (or your child) does pee on the seat? CLEAN IT UP.

What's the point?

Alright, here’s something that makes me cranky that I referenced way back in January and that is people who go the comments section of news articles to post “why is this news” or “this is stupid” or “I can’t believe someone wasted their time writing this.” Well honey, you just wasted time not only reading it, but posting about. 

Why is something news? Why is ANYTHING news? Because someone, somewhere, cares about it. To you this may seem stupid or petty or pointless, and maybe it is, but it’s nowhere near as stupid, petty or pointless as your comment. We get it, you cannot be bothered to concern yourself with the affairs of mere mortals and you can’t be bothered to get down off your high horse (although in fairness, that stick you have up your butt probably makes mounting and dismounting your high horse pretty uncomfortable) and the only comments you can make from up there are ones that make you look like a condescending jackhole. Sadly, condescending jackhole is rarely a good look for anyone. 

Listen, I get that not every article is going to appeal to you. I’m not going to lie. I don’t care about Charlie Sheen. He was the least awesome of all of the Young Guns, and the only one who never really worked past his bloaty phase that they pretty much all went through (sorry Emilio Estevez and Keifer Sutherland. Those were some bad years.) and now he’s a crazy, cracked out guy who needs help. So when I go to one of the news sites I visit on a regular basis, I roll my eyes and scroll past the 5 articles about Charlie Sheen because I DON’T CARE. I do not stop to take the time to read the article and then complain about how the article was a waste of time because I don’t care about Charlie Sheen because DUH. 

Now if you read a genuinely terrible article, you can register a complaint but “what was the point of this” is not a valid one. “This article was poorly written and didn’t convey any new information” is a legitimate complaint.  If you read an article on a topic you are not interested in, close the tab (or window, you luddite) and move on.