R U Kidding me?

How is this for a cranky post? GRAMMAR ON THE INTERNET. Now. I am no fan of text speak. If U R 2 Lazy 2 use rl wrds...just shut up. PLEASE.

HOWEVER the compulsion to smugly comment on every typo, especially when it is obvious that it's a typo? IS SO OBNOXIOUS. Yes, we get it. You consider yourself a grammar Nazi. Certainly, calling yourself a Nazi of any sort is something you should brag about, clearly. Not only do you set yourself up for a fall when you have even the slightest typo, because everyone is going to jump all over you for that, but it's just bad manners. It derails conversations, and makes it all about what a smarty pants you are.

Age is just a number

One of the things that makes me SUPER CRANKY is books that are described as "coming of age" novels. There is no faster way to kill my interest.

Eating Smart

Well, a few months ago, I picked up a magazine called Clean Eating for the first time. It was interesting, good recipes, and some new ideas. I wasn't familiar with the concept of clean eating. Basically, the "diet" encourages you to eat food as close to unprocessed as you can get it. Use natural, fresh ingredients to make your meals. No need to smother the food in heavy sauces or seasonings, just use good food and prepare it well.

So I picked up the latest issue, and barely a page went by that didn't extoll the virtues of how clean eating will help you lose weight. There was even an article on a woman who got back to her pre-baby weight! HALLELUJAH!

*Sigh*

Listen. I am so so SO tired of the world equating health with thinness. I go do aerobics and there is this tiny little girl in there who is falling down while I am sweating like a dog, but keeping up (barely, I'm not holding myself up as a bastion of fitness, either). But if the two of us were out side by side, even though she eats like crap and I eat fairly healthy and she's out of shape and I can kick her butt...Well, I'm fat and she's skinny. Guess who people thing is the healthier one?

Right. So, Clean Eating is a disappointment. Because rather than talk about health, rather than talk about WHY eating processed foods is so bad for us, it's all about weight. Eat more lentils and you'll be skinny! Eat these sugar substitutes and you'll be better off!

And let's talk about that for a minute. How is it okay to tout yourself as the Clean Eating lifestyle guide when promoting stevia, truvia, and everything else?

So, let's talk about health for a minute. If you fat, if you're skinny, if you're somewhere in between...take care of yourself. For some people that means losing weight. For some people (GAAAASP) that means gaining weight! For some it means eating better or exercising more (or at all).


So maybe instead of preaching the gospel of skinny, we should be talking about health. Eat BETTER food. Be more informed about your choices. And please, for the love of Pete, STOP worrying about pre-baby bodies and bikini bodies and celebrity bodies and if you have cellulite (you do, I do, the volleyball team, Kim Kardashian, some other hot chick...they all do. that's life.), and just try to take care of yourself!

Writing Your Representative - Getting Political Again

Here is the letter I just wrote to my Rep.

Are you and your cronies seriously SERIOUSLY forcing a government shut down because you want more control over women's health? Over my health? Over the right to tell people who can and cannot have a legal procedure that is CONSTITUTIONALLY protected? Are you holding up the government because you can't see that Planned Parenthood is more than just abortions, and that many don't even offer abortions but instead do things like offer preventative care and access to birth control that prevents abortion?

Why is it that Republicans want to preach for small government but still get to know what I'm doing with my body? You are denying funding for women's health care at large, not just abortion. And in the process you are denying paychecks to government workers, including soldiers.

You, and everyone else involved in this hostage situation should be ashamed of yourselves. You aren't representing the people. You are representing yourselves and your desire to force your beliefs on everyone else, regardless of whether it is actually good for the government, and for the people under it, which is what you claim to serve. Shame on you, shame on your party, and shame on everyone who falls in line with your blackmail, and unwillingness to do your job. Hopefully, you and your fellow members of the house will be among the government employees who don't get a paycheck. You certainly haven't earned one.

How's that for cranky?

Lead, Follow, or Get out of the Way (before I run you down)

I am a fast walker. I am not some kind of little old lady speed walker, tearing through the mall on the tile paths laid out for me by thoughtful planners. But I walk quickly. I want to get where I am going, get my exercise done, whatever. So if you want to talk about what makes me cranky, the answer is SLOW WALKERS.

Listen, if you want to stroll hand in hand with your sweetie down the sidewalk that is great and I hope you two will be very happy together even though holding hands with someone just kind of makes me feel sad and clammy, because that is a lot of physical contact when you are just trying to walk somewhere and your hands are probably all sweaty, especially if you are wearing those insane smitten things, because it is still cold out. There’s no part of those that don’t look awkward and horrible.

However! As you amble hand in sweaty hand, I’m going to have to ask you to amble to one side so I can get by you, because I? am not am ambler.

On the same note, you horde of teenagers clustered in a group looking at each others cellphones in front of the Aeropostale and PacSun, cluster a little further out of the way if you will, please, I just want to get what I need and go home.

This goes for everyone, ever. Much like when you are on a moving sidewalk in an airport and you are supposed to stand to the right so people can pass you on the left, I believe this si a rule that should extend to all sidewalks, everywhere. Make room for the people who are going somewhere. If you do that, I won’t run your meandering butt over, and you won’t slow me down and we’ll all be a lot less cranky.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle...SIT DOWN

There are not many times when I envy men, but public restrooms definitely make me wish I could pee standing up, and part of the reason for that is the women that try to pee standing up unsuccessfully. Or perhaps I should say try to squat unsuccessfully. This post is for you, ladies. SIT DOWN. When you go into a stall and there is spray on  the seat, this isn't because someone sat down and tinkled in the toilet. No, this is because someone who came before you squatted, and they missed. Wipe it off, use some hand sanitizer, and sit down. Use the toilet seat covers, used a cover made with individual squares of TP if you must, but SIT DOWN. You touch the stall doors, you touch the toilet handle, the sink knobs and everything else. The skin on your butt is not MORE susceptible to disease. Unless your typical toilet habits involve you rubbing your personal bits on the toilet, you are in no more danger from sitting down than you were in getting in there in the first place. You are making the bathrooms messier for the rest of us when you squat so please, SIT DOWN.

And also, what kills me, is that these same women who are squatting over the toilet to "avoid germs" then leave without washing their hands. The germs don't magically know you're a squatter and avoid you, okay? You still need to wash your hands.

And waitresses....when I see you in the bathroom, and you wash your hands, that's great, but it is all negated if you then spend five minutes standing in front of the sink fixing your hair. You are TOUCHING YOUR HAIR. There is a reason people in the kitchens have to wear hairnets and that's because NO ONE WANTS TO EAT HAIR. QUIT IT.


And another note about public restrooms. If you have male children, there is an age at which it is no longer appropriate to bring them into the bathroom with you. Has their voice started to change? Are they entering puberty? TOO OLD. I understand that there are kidnappers lurking around every corner and you are worried someone will steal your precious baby boy. But I seriously doubt anyone is going to steal your sullen teenager from outside of the ladies' room in Belks, okay. Cut the cord, lady. He's uncomfortable, and the rest of us just think it's creepy as all get out.

And if you (or your child) does pee on the seat? CLEAN IT UP.

What's the point?

Alright, here’s something that makes me cranky that I referenced way back in January and that is people who go the comments section of news articles to post “why is this news” or “this is stupid” or “I can’t believe someone wasted their time writing this.” Well honey, you just wasted time not only reading it, but posting about. 

Why is something news? Why is ANYTHING news? Because someone, somewhere, cares about it. To you this may seem stupid or petty or pointless, and maybe it is, but it’s nowhere near as stupid, petty or pointless as your comment. We get it, you cannot be bothered to concern yourself with the affairs of mere mortals and you can’t be bothered to get down off your high horse (although in fairness, that stick you have up your butt probably makes mounting and dismounting your high horse pretty uncomfortable) and the only comments you can make from up there are ones that make you look like a condescending jackhole. Sadly, condescending jackhole is rarely a good look for anyone. 

Listen, I get that not every article is going to appeal to you. I’m not going to lie. I don’t care about Charlie Sheen. He was the least awesome of all of the Young Guns, and the only one who never really worked past his bloaty phase that they pretty much all went through (sorry Emilio Estevez and Keifer Sutherland. Those were some bad years.) and now he’s a crazy, cracked out guy who needs help. So when I go to one of the news sites I visit on a regular basis, I roll my eyes and scroll past the 5 articles about Charlie Sheen because I DON’T CARE. I do not stop to take the time to read the article and then complain about how the article was a waste of time because I don’t care about Charlie Sheen because DUH. 

Now if you read a genuinely terrible article, you can register a complaint but “what was the point of this” is not a valid one. “This article was poorly written and didn’t convey any new information” is a legitimate complaint.  If you read an article on a topic you are not interested in, close the tab (or window, you luddite) and move on.