Alright people, I did not want to have to do this , but we are going to ahve to talk about clothes. I am at this very moment watching the CMA Awards, and they are killing me.
Look, I get that this is country music, and y'all feel like you have to maintain some kind of country cred with your fans. I DO NOT CARE. For the love of Mike, if this is the only night it happens, this is the night to dress like a flipping grown up. George Strait has made an art of looking classy in jeans. TAKE A NOTE. Put on a real shirt, iron it. Tuck it in. Take a moment to ask yourself (ERIC CHURCH) do I look like a serial killing truck driver? Because if the answer is yes, let's take off the hat and sunglasses. How is that even a look? You are inside! INSIDE. There is no SUN. You do not NEED THE SHADE. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Cowboy hats get a pass. It's country music and they are dress hats. (It's a thing, y'all.) Trucker hats and aviators? Do not get a pass. Because that is only a thing if you are a douchebag. Are you a douchebag, Eric Church? I like your music, so I hope not, but what is that outfit? You are not in a trashy honky tonk playing in a cage while they huck beer bottles at you. You are a success, cut that crap out.
And on that same note, LADY ANTEBELLUM, dudes, what is that? You've got on what looks like a plaid flannel shirt unbuttoned really to the point where you turn me into my mother and I want to tell you to fix your shirt and get a haircut. Other Lady Antebellum guy, love the guyliner, but could you really not do better than a cheap as crap (that you probably paid 700 bucks for) white undershit? I work out in those.
And now a word to Jason Aldean - remember when I liked you? Then you did a song where you rapped. Those days are over. Also, in that song you talk about drinking and driving a lot, like it's totally cool. You know who drinks and drives? DOUCHEBAGS. Don't make me have the douchebag talk with you.
And finally, this goes out especially to the ladies in the audience and brings me back to my mom when I just want to say to you, those gowns are lovely, your makeup is very nice, and you would be so pretty IF YOU WOULD JUST STAND UP STRAIGHT.
ETA: That is how to do it, Blake Shelton!
ETA: I think Carrie Underwood killed and skinned a Laura Ashley comforter for that dress. And my 6 year old niece would kill for that shiny headband.