Saturday, November 5, 2011

Birds in General, Chickens in Particular and One Specific Cockatoo

Listen. I love animals. I do. Not enough to be a vegatarian, but seriously, they shouldn't be so delicious if they don't want to be eaten. Dogs,cats, bunnies, squirrels, cows, llamas (and we'll get to the llamas in a second), you name it, I am a fan.

But not birds. Birds, it must be said, freak me right the hell out. They are generally foul tempered (confession, I typed fowl three times before I realized what the problem was), weird, smelly poop machines. Birds have now bowel control. That's why they poop everywhere.  Their butts are poop spewing free for alls.

Why are they making me cranky in particular at this moment? Well, I've been watching over the llama farm this weekend, for a friend of mine who runs it (the baby llama let me pet him! So soft! So fluffy! So cuute! Big ears! eeeee! Wait. No. Cranky. Heart of Stone. Heart of Stone. Back to hating chickens. So fluffy.) and she keeps chickens, ducks, geese, cattle, one cockatoo, four dogs and an unspecified number of cats. ( I can't tell if there are really as many as I think or they just all look alike when they are trying to con more food out of me.) The only animals in this menagerie that give me any problems are the birds. The ducks and geese aren't too bad (the geese occassionally hiss, but are easily distracted), but the chickens...THE CHICKENS. On one hand, they are wonderful layers, and part of my pay for my llama sitting is all the eggs I can find. That was 30, this weekend, which is a pretty good haul. On the other hand, they are freaky as all get out. While I was gathering eggs in the hen houses, one of them tried to fly up into my face three times! What is that? What's the story? Why so aggressive? They also keep trying to peck my toes, which are thankfully protected bby my hiking boots. The hen houses smell TERRIBLE BTW. Seriously, like, the worst. And the chickens follow you in and are all WING FLAPPY AND BAWKING AND I'M SORRY BUT THEY SCARE THE BEJESUS OUT OF ME.

These people have a dog that is bigger than me, weighs almost the same as me, and could probably rip my arm off if he got bored. Am I scared of the dog? Of course not. The dog is great. The chickens, however, are totally flipping insane. What is their problem? I do not get it.

And then, there is the cockatoo. Man. that sucker is crazy. You want to give him fresh water? TOO BAD FOR YOU, HE IS GOING TO FLY AT YOU AND TRY TO GET OUT TO BITE YOU. Trying to give him pellets? HE DOESN'T WANT PELLETS, HE WANTS FREEDOM. TO BITE YOU. I'm sorry, bird loves, but what. the. hell?

In conclusion, birds kind of ruin my adorable baby llama buzz, and also freak me out. Sorry bird lovers, but I think that you are mental.

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