Sunday, November 14, 2010

Won't you be my neighbor (instead of roadkill)?

First, if you have followed me, thanks! I don't know how to work that and can't figure out exactly how much information people would then get access to, and after the whole Google Buzz thing earlier, I don't really trust them. I should have just stayed on Livejournal, where I still don't trust them, but I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, on to the regularly scheduled cranky. As I may have mentioned previously, I work on a college campus, and there is on continual problem in this place of higher education, and that is stupid people.

I refer specifically to people so stupid they don't look both ways before they cross the street, run stop signs, pull out into traffic without looking, and complain about parking when they drove to building they could SEE from their dorm. Where there was plenty of parking.

Sadly, this stupid is not confined to the students. The dean of academics once ran out in front of me and came so close to being hit (good thing I have my brakes checked regularly!) that he patted my bumper and waved. Y'all.

Mr. Rogers taught you better. I understand that this is a small campus and you expect people to watch out for you, but if you walk out from behind a black SUV at night, wearing all dark clothes and ESPECIALLY if you aren't crossing at the designated crosswalks? Someone is going to hit you. It's going to happen. When we lay on the horn, what we are saying is "look out!" so please don't give us dirty looks. Ok, fine. What we are really saying is "how did you manage to graduate high school yo moron? Are you really so freaking stupid you don't know to look before crossing the street? Did your mama drop you on your head as a child? Get out of the dang road!"

Similarly, let me address the people who feel that once they are in the road, this is the time to meander. Pause for a conversation. Eat ice cream. Wave to people on the other side of the street. Text someone. NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE CORRECT THINGS TO THINK. There are sidewalks. Walk on them, and get out of my way before I give you a love tap with my front bumper.

Also, people who are driving down the road and stop to talk to someone who is either walking or driving in the other lane. I hate you. You are bad people, you should feel bad and you should be punished by having your cars taken away. You are officially too stupid to drive. You are the grain of sand in my oyster shell (I recently discovered I'm allergic to shellfish, by the way), but instead of a pearl, you are producing beautiful cranky posts. I would like to get out of the car and punch you in the nose, but then my car would be left in the middle of the road and that would be both stupid and inconsiderate.

People who do this in parking lots especially drive me crazy. It is a PARKING LOT! FOR THE LOVE OF BUTTERNUT SQUASH, PARK, THEN TALK! It's easy. I swear. And you'll save on gas when you don't idle in the middle of the turn in lane at Wal-Mart for 15 minutes while everyone you are blocking quietly wishes for your car to catch on fire.

And finally, on an only moderately related note. Don't drive a Hummer. They're stupid, and you're not in Desert Storm.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Crankypants,
    I'm on Nablomo etc and just doing random wanderings, liked the title of your blog so stopped by. And, had to write to say I totally agree about stupid people. (I'm a teacher, many parents are stupid.)
    What I figure I'll do is run for office, (hey, I hear Sarah got in over there) put birth control in the water and people CAN NOT procreate until they pass a test proving they are not stupid. Neat huh?